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This is the start of the excuse page I've been meaning 
to put together.  I know you peoples out there have 
more excuses for me so maybe this will get you thinking!

I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...

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Share your own Excuses!

|Work |School |Police |Breaking Dates |Home |Online |Silly |
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Work


1. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.

2. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.

3. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .

4. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my but off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live of the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: Cookie18@SmartBot.NET Hooray! Freedom at Last!

5. Actually used (and believed) when I was working in Toronto. "You'll never believe it!  I said with a straight face, I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks! Now, I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I continued. Now I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I said, I had to drive all the way down to the rail yards and (finally) drive out free at the barns. Just to top it off, I continued, I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. I took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I was late for work."

6. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

7. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

8. "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."

9. I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job

10. One of the guys in my department phoned at 11:30 on a Tuesday to explain why he hadn't come into work that week: " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .

11. I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.

12. I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.

13.  I lost my keys to my car.

14.  I work in a bar and the clock is set 15 minutes fast.. was stopped in construction traffic and had the flagger write me a note to my boss.

My boss actually is keeping a running tab of excuses because in two years I haven't used the same one twice and I have been late a lot...

15.  Two great excuses!  
A) my horse has colic (requiring a messy rub-down), 
B) The dog, a cow, etc., got hung up in the barbwire and I had to take it to the vet.

16. I worked the graveyard shift as a Cocktail Waitress in Reno a few years back and had partied a little too much during the day, so after a short nap I was running a good 30 minutes late.
I told my supervisor that "I was on my way to work (on time of course), when I looked in my rearview mirror I seen our family cat in the back of the car.
I had to turn around and drive all the way home to take it back".
There is no way that one can leave a live animal in a car, in Reno, in the summertime. And it helps if your boss is an animal lover.

17.  If you are a female talking to a male boss...
well see I'm having this problem with my vagina...proceed to explain at great detail any random problem... men hate this...even the touchy feely 90's type guy...you might even get a raise...

18. My kid was running around yesterday and ran into a wall... I had to be up all night with him because he might have a concussion.

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School!

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. 
Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

4. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

5. ..."the only reason that I do bad in school is because I'm near and far sighted."

6. we were on our way to school but we ran out of gas so we had to walk to her house and get money then we had to walk to the gas station to get gas then we had to walk to the car then drive to school  so you see that is why we are two hours late.

7. I'm sorry Tyler can't go to school today because his hormones are raging.

8. My son Michael won't be in school today, he caught his thing in his zipper this morning while dressing and is in lot of pain!

9. Actually used - by me, the teacher.!!  I am sorry your exams are not all marked. The cat got jealous as I was marking instead of petting him and after I went to bed he attacked the test papers. Those of you missing entire sections will be credited full marks.  If I can see your answer through the tooth mark holes, I'll mark what you wrote down.

10. Please excuse Casey from school. It was Take Your Daughter to work day. I don't have a job, so I made her stay home and do housework.

11. As a college instructor for 15 years, I thought I had heard them all until.... a student told me he could not take an exam one day because he had a vasectomy yesterday and he could not think.

12. Please Excuse Eric from school on May 5th thru May 19th, he was waiting in line for the new Star Wars film, you will be happy to know he got tickets for next September, when he will be missing another week of school while he waits for the perfect seat.

13.  I didn't want to do gym one day so I told my gym teacher that "I got something done to my foot by the doctor and  it really hurts!"
He asked what happened and I thought quick and said "it is something really gross and that you don't want to know!" So I didn't have to do gym that one day!

14.  I was at the doctor's and on the way home my mom's car broke down.......
so I had to walk three miles to the nearest house to get help!!!

15.  My parents made me go to the movies with them so I didn't get any of my homework done!

16.  this is my favorite excuse for not having complete homework
it all started in seventh grade:
mrs.p said Jessica do you have your homework
"no ma'am" 
why not "
"because my locker is  jammed and I couldn't find Mr.F to come and get
it unstuck"
" okay you can go get him to get it out"

17.  Because, I did not want to do my homework Mr. C (they always say honesty is the best policy right? well I used it and for being honest I got credit on that one assignment.)




 

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Police

1. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me.

2. When you get pulled over and the officer comes up to the driver's window, look at them with desperation in your face and say, "I'm sorry. I know I was speeding but I have to go to the bathroom sooooo badly that I'm about to explode!" You could also add, "Do you know of a restroom really close by that I can get to in the next 60 seconds?"

3. This lady got pulled over for speeding. She thanked the trooper for stopping her. He said: Ma'am, why are you thanking me? She replied: It was they only way I knew to get tickets to the troopers Ball. Ma'am, he said, I can't get you any tickets because troopers don't have any balls.

4. Hey Officer, what did you pull me over for? " ""Well son, you were speeding and weaving all over the road. Oh I know, I ran out of beer about 2 miles back and I was in a hurry to get some more!

5. Sorry officer I was leading in the Indianapolis 500...but I think I took a wrong turn! This is a true excuse I used when I was about 19 years old...the policeman was laughing so hard he told me to get going, but not to use that line again because he would spread it around...he said it was the most original one he had heard in his 9 years as a Prince George's County police officer.

6. I had gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on the gas pedal...

7. . Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.

8.  I was traveling through Florida and hadn't much sleep so stayed at a hotel for a few hours. After some sleep it was time to make up time doing 90 mph on the I 95. As i sped away , a cop pulled me over and said, " hey Ms.NY.. whats the rush?" I had to think fast and told the cop," oh officer, I just left a hotel and I'm being followed by a guy in a white van!"..a van sped by and I pointed and said," there he is". Off went the officer.. and off I went ! No ticket....

 

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Breaking Dates

1. I'm sorry or maybe not, but I can't go out with you tonight! My boyfriend just got back from College and he is good looking and your not, he's tall and your not. I know this is a piss poor excuse but I'm going out with him and not you. That is why I'm a psycho bitch ok, just Good-Bye!

2. I'm sorry I can't go out with you tonight like we planned, because I just found out there is a Leave It To Beaver  marathon on TV and I can't betray Wally.

3. Hello Jennifer I can not meet you tonight and go out like we wanted to. I went surfing today and I like got washed out to sea and you know like it took me all day to get back in so I'm still here and like I won't be home in time for our date.

4.  I used this excuse when this guy I didn't really want to see anymore seen me at a store and asked why I hadn't called I told him...  I didn't call you because I locked your phone number in the memo dial on my phone (You are that important) and my phone is broke so i couldn't get the number to call you. and I had no other way of getting in touch with you.  (a good one!)

5. I had a sex change; I used to be a man but now I'm a woman. That's why we can't be intimate.

6. I cannot go out with you tonight because I need to start spending more time with my blender.

7.  I had to go to the walk-in clinic to get some stuff for my eye...a mosquito bit me on the eyelid the night before last and last night it all puffed up till I was winking at everyone.

8.  This guy would not take "no" for an answer. So I told him that I had received an obscene phone call, and had the phone tapped. He shouldn't phone me because the police might inquire at work or home, and I didn't want him to be embarrassed. He never called again. Whew!

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Home

1. When one of your parents usually your  mom would come into your room and say you have to much junk. then you say well look at this (pick an object) see how it accents the room and then go around the room pointing out  things  so that your parent can see how your room is not  full of junk but it is in style. then point out the fact well we could always redo your  room so it will look just like mine. and see their reaction.

 

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Online

1.  There is a storm and I couldn't turn on the computer.

2.  My mother/father/aunt/uncle was visiting or on the phone so I couldn't come online.

3.  There is something wrong with my computer.  I can turn it on for about 10 minutes at a time then it shuts itself down.

4.  I was so sick that I couldn't even write you a note to let you know I wasn't coming.  or it wasn't the computer I was sitting at!   (I like that one *l*)

5.  My ISP was down.  you can use this one for mail also just be sure not to hit the return the message that you didn't get!  (I saw this one once!)

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Totally Silly

1.  I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space- time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2.  


 

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