E-Mail this Joke to a friend!
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying
out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door
and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock
solidly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The
elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are
upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just
wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the
window!
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Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a sperm bank
after she became pregnant. They discovered she'd been embezzling.
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Did you hear about the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a
course in sex education when she heard the final exam would be oral.
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Did you hear about the meanest man in the world didn't tell his wife
he was sterile until she got pregnant.
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A couple tried for a while to conceive a child but had no luck. So, they
went to the doctor. The doctor advised them to continue trying on their
own, but they were sure there was a clinical reason for infertility.
So the doctor examined the woman, ran a few tests, and determined she
could in fact get pregnant. The doctor then wanted a sperm sample from
the man. He gave the couple a sealed sterile jar, and sent them into the
exam room for an hour, and it was time for the clinic to close when the
couple came out. They looked very embarrassed, and produced an empty
jar. The doctor looked at the jar, looked at the couple, and asked if
there was some problem.
The man looked at the ground and said, "Well, doc, I hate to admit I
had a problem with this. I tried, but my hands are really tired. I tried
with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, I tried with both hands,
nothing. So my wife tried to help me, and then she tried with her left
hand, and tried with her right hand, she pulled and pulled, but it just
didn't help. Then we found some Vaseline in a cabinet. She rubbed it
really good under the edge but that didn't help either. She tried using
her mouth, but after trying that for a while, she just ended up with a
sore jaw. We couldn't figure out what else to do, so we came out here.
The doctor said. "Do you often have a problem with impotence?"
The man said, Impotence!? Hell no! We couldn't get the damn
jar open!!
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Three worst Chinese torture tests
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has
vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings
in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost
down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you
want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if
I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old
Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:You cannot
mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I
won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning" The
old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give
you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK,
Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering),he
saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many
months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the
occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the
man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had
kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his
room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 LB rock on your
chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up
and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the
rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst
Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third
sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
bedpost".
