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If you've ever been to a down home real live chili cook off
then you'll know that this story's about! Enjoy!
CHILI COOK OFF
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because
no one else wanted to do it. Also. the original person called
in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came.
The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting; so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These hicks are CRAZY.
Chili #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so
I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to
see her.
Chili #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally.
Chili #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes
are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: HELEN'S MOUNTAIN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: [editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report]
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