Perfect day for a Woman
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
13:00 Shopping with friends.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower. Alone.
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with twin 21 year-old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.