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This is the best of the best from the week of 10-03-1999 Men and Women Board. TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. pretty much sums it up huh lady's! *l* The NAUGHTY board! The little ole lady... A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously totally unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?' The assistant, politely but ernestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do many models in fact. " To this the old woman asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk ooone tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?" Assistant: "Yes" "Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee fffffuucccckkkkkkingggg tthingggggg offfffff!!!!" The NICE board! Two old ladys were Two old ladies were sitting around the nursing home one day talking. First lady: There is nothing to do around here. Second lady: Yea, I know. I have an idea. Remember long ago when we used to go streaking. That was fun. Why don't we try it. First lady: Okay. So they both go in and rip off their clothes and start running as fast as they can down the main hall of the nursing home. Two old men were sitting on the sidelines. First man: Hey Ralph! What was that!!! Second man: I don't know, Pete, but it sure needed ironing!! The RedNeck Board. In the old west In the old west, a settler is watch an Indian meeting. There is an old woman sitting on a hippopotamus hide, and two younger women sitting on other types of pelts. Everybody seems to be listening to the old woman, but paying no attention to the younger ones. After a while the settler asks his Indian guide why the older woman is treated with so much more respect. The guide answers "the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides." The Golf - Sports Board. Correct Spelling The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing." The Political Humor Board. Contemplating Creation A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were together, discussing the beginning of the world and who was responsible for it. The surgeon said, 'Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure. Therefore, surgery is the founding science.' The engineer replied, 'Maybe, but Adam was created from the earth, which was created from chaos, which surely was the work of an engineer.' The politician said 'Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?' The General Humor Board. Just Wondering Q: What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car window? A: It's ass. The Every Day Life Board. Vancouver Falling asleep on the job landed one Vancouver burglar in jail yesterday morning. A family on Cedar Crescent awoke to find a sleeping stranger in their easy chair yesterday morning. Instead of waking him up, the husband called 911. During his conversation with the operator; the husband heard strange sounds coming from the lounger and ran to investigate. "Apparently the stranger was just trying to get comfy in the chair, and kept sleeping," said Constable Anne Drennan. The man was still asleep when police arrived at the house. The cops found a bag outside of the back door with dog repellent, a screwdriver, gloves and a knife. "It looks like the suspect had B and E on his mind, managed to get into the place, but couldn't help himself from the arm chair," said Drennan. Officers woke the man up and brought him into custody on break and enter charges. The 33 year old Vancouver resident is known to police, but not for narcolepsy.

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