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This is the best of the best from the week of 10-24-1999 Men and Women Board. A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'" The NAUGHTY board! Sophie's laundry... There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women. "Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!" The NICE board! The Water Pistol When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember." The RedNeck Board. Is it true? A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." The Golf - Sports Board. A very special golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it." The Political Board. Newest In a Line of Soup One of the Nations largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. The General Humor Board. Hand Signals Two construction workers are working the high beams. One is on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needs a handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction, the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," then moves his hands back and forth for "handsaw." The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating. The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a handsaw!" The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was coming." The Every Day Life Board. The Cow Trip My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers." Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f***er?" David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk" Wife: "but who said they were called, er, f***ers?" David: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

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