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This is the best of the best from the week of 10-03-1999 Men and Women Board. If Only A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is -driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way,and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen. The NAUGHTY board! Rated XL A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" The NICE board! Greatest Dad? A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?" Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't." "Then where did you get the idea?" she asked. The RedNeck Board. 3 in 1 Well, Boudreuax's old lady was pregnant. So, he took her to the doctor when labor pains started. The doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,"Hey Boudreaux! You just had a son!". Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on Boud! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! Mais, you got you a daughter now!" Boudreaux was puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on Boud, we still ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said,"Boudreaux, you just had another boy! But dats it!" So, Boudreaux and his wife went home with the three babies. When they got home, they began talking. Boudreaux said, "Marie, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I remember". He said, "Mais, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!" The Golf - Sports Board. Golf! In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players! Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The Political Humor Board. Naming bill and hillary's new home A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME UNTIL IT HAS A NAME!!! "DISGRACELAND" should be the official name for bill & hillary clinton's new New York abode, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show (1360 KUIK), a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon metropolitan area. On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original and should capture the essence of one or both of the clintons. The response was overwhelming! Other names nominated for the clinton's new homeincluded: "Perjurers' Palace," "HillBilly Villa," "The House of Bill's Repute," "Drawers Downs," "Cheatem Estates," "Castle of Contempt", "Sin Simeon," "The House That Terrybought," "The Knee Pad," "The White Trash House," "The Blight House," and "The Panderosa." "Liars' Lair' was a frequent nominee both on and off the air," according to talk host Carroll. "One of my favorite names was "Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast." Other of the over 100 caller nominated names were: "The clinton Compost," "Dogpatch on the Hudson," "Rancho Immoral," "Deceitful Domicile", "Monica's Man's Manor," "The Hen House," "The Out House," "The Big House," "The Love Shack," "Lucifer's Lair," "House of the Rising Son", "The House of Seven Felonies," "Cottage of Contempt," and "Motel Sex." The General Humor Board. Corporate Lessons 1 A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. The Every Day Life Board. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mary! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! Mary turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

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