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101 of the BEST men jokes...


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1. Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. 2. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. 3. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. 4. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and only work half time. 5. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 6. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. 7. Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. 8. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. 9. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. 10. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? 11. What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard. 12. Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 13. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women." 14. "What is the thickest book in the world? What Men Think They Know About Women" 15. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. 16. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!! 17. What is a man's idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. 18. What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. 19. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack. 20. Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the s**t out of you. 21. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 22. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. 23. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer. 24. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. 25. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. 26. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. 27. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. 28. How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving! 29. How are men like chocolates? A.They never last long enough B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot. 30. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her. 31. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house. 32. What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room. 33. What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect." 34. What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him. 35. What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy. 36. Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 37. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one. 38. Men and women were created equal but women continued to improve. 39. Men come in three sizes: Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss! 40. Men do too get PMS: Penis Malfunction Syndrome. Pre-Middle aged Syndrome. Post Macho Syndrome. 41. Men: Good from afar. Far from good. 42. Why did God Create man first? 1. Practice makes perfect. 2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately. 3. There's a frist draft with anything. 4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes. 5. First is the worst.........Second is the best! 6. To be funny 43. Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up. 44. Men are like guns. Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. 45. What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long 46. Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband" Friend: "GREAT trade!" 47. Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen? 48. Man: Great idea, bad design. 49. Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same. 50. Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny. 51. How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks. 52. What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth. 53. How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it. 54. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. 55. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions! 56. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? 57. He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded. 58. What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations. 59. What is the most intelligent thing a man can say? .... yes dear. 60. If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion! 61. Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man 62. When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement. 63. How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing 64. How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds. 65. Q: Why are men so happy? A: Because ignorance is bliss. 66. Q: What would men do if they had breasts? A: They'd stay at home and play with them all day. 67. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it? 68. Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. 69. Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man? A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining. 70. Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes. 71. Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk. The problem was getting Ken to listen. 72. Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror. 73. I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I'm a catholic and living with him is hell. 73. A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming. 74. What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay? "Brace yourself, Sheila." 75. Why is it good to have a man passenger in your car? So you can park in the Handicapped parking! 76. Why do little boys whine? They are practicing to be men. 77. What's the difference between a man and a dog? A dog is satisfied with a little petting 78. Why are men like photocopiers? Beside reproduction, they're not much good for anything else. 79. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. 80. Him: "I have never had an affair. Can you say the same?" Her: "Yes, but not with such a straight face" 81. What do you call a woman who aspires to be equal to a man? Hopelessly unambitious 82. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table 83. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion 84. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. 85. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. 86. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. 87. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. 88. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. 89. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. 90. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. 91. When's the only time you can change a man? When he's a baby. 92. How are men like a used car? Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable... 93. .Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads? When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know." When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh." 94. Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man? He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face. 95. Why is a man like old age? They both come too soon. 96. "A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it..." 97. If the world were a logical place - men would ride side saddle! 98. How are men like beanie babies? They're cheap, their heads are mushy, and the really cute ones are hard to find. 99. Why did god create man? No, seriously....why? 100. "I think not - therefore I must be male!" 101. An english professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing" And told his students to punctuate it. The males in the class wrote "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The Females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


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