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This is the best of the best from the week of 11-14-1999

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42
muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and
bitch-slap the f*cker upside the head...
Have a great day everyone!

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Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause

Hot Flashes: You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Night Sweats: The person you sleep with complains about snow
piling up on the bed.

Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a
wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this
winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.

Memory Loss: You write post-it notes with your kid's names
on them.

Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and
your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f**king Nelson."

Sleeplessness: The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the
Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

Fatigue: You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Sudden Weight Gain: You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you
out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

Dryness: You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.

Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".

Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take
your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales


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A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street
corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with
one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against
her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong
gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap
in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a
look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling
your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 85 years old.
But the hat is BRAND NEW!"


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