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This is the best of the best from the week of 11-21-1999


Sailor An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and
goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room
with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks,
"How am I doin'?"
The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"What's that?", he asks.
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
And you're knot getting your money back."


Women's Thoughts
* Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

* Reason to smile Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

* Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down
and forget where they left them.

* One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs

* My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

*The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

*The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you're doing, someone else does.

* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by
then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

*Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

* Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain

*I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

* Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they
say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and
my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

* A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

*They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
All that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

* The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him..)
* I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.

* I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

* If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose round your


Old ladies??

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
Who drives you to the beach?


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