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This is the best of the best from the week of 11-7-1999

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
Told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a
sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But
how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just
send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of
expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor
said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the
floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what trauma had
precipitated the cardiac arrest So the wife picked up the card and read
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."

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We have all learned to live with "voice mail"
as a necessary part of modern life.
But, have you wondered, what if God decided to install
voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the -following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are
busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us
and will be answered in the
order it was received, so please stay on the line"

Can you imagine getting these responses
as you call God in Prayer:

If you would like to speak to:
- Gabriel, Press 1
- Michael, Press 2
- For a directory of other angels, Press 3
- If you'd like to hear King David sing a psalm
while you are holding, please press 4.
- To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number,
then press the pound key.
(If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House"
please enter J-O-H-N, followed by 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.


Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.


This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again Monday after 9:30am. If you need emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.


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The wedding date was set and the groom's three
pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist,
were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed
would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly
grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials
went as planned and a few days later each of thegroom's
buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS:

WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE
ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I
SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER
PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY.

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