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"The Golden Years"
The Golden years
Are here at last.
I cannot see.
I cannot pee.
I cannot chew.
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks.
My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell.
I look like hell.
Yes, the Golden Years
Have come at last.
The Golden Years
Can kiss my ass!
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Q. Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.
Q. What do a blonde and a computer have in common?
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down
on you.
Q. What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?
A. Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Q. Why can't blonde put in light bulbs?
A. They keep breaking them with the hammer.
What about the blonde man whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was......
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde
turned to her friend and said "You know - its blondes like that that
give us a bad name! To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if
I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
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Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after
looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area.
"That's my sponge", says his mother.
"Oh, ok", said Johnny.
A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into the hospital for
an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area shaved.
Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where's your sponge?"
His mother replied, "It's ok, I've just lost it. It will turn up
somewhere."
A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his
mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge." "Where?" says his mother,
wondering where Johnny could have found it.
"It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."
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HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other
boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took
his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did,
and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in
one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really
scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling
out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw
at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head
off. All of the sudden, she made a noise and lit the eel go. I guess
it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on
it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it
was dead because it just hung there limp and some of it's insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats...they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.
After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the
skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so
he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His
last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything
unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no
ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really
upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said you can't
wear glasses if you don't have any ears.
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So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine
summer day as they're out working in the yard, the man tells his wife,
"Man, you're butt is getting fat."
She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy
follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there. I'll
bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF
and she goes inside. Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures
the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup. They
are both the same size."
The wife is livid! She doesn't speak to him the rest of the day.
When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to
his wife and says, "Hey, honey, how 'bout it?" She thinks for a
moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers,
"You're crazy, if you think I'm firing up that big gas grill for one
little weenie."
