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This is the best of the best from the week of 12-05-1999

After being away on business, Rich thought it would be nice to bring
his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the
cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Rich, so she returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Rich groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Rich, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So she handed him a mirror.


Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider the US Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail."
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost
all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on
your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.


36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends
you send jokes to" e-mail group.
38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.


~ Who gets the kids? ~

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote
section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting
a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem. The mother jumped to her
feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and,
after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer
slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge,
when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"


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