This is the best of the best from the week of 6-20-1999
Men and Women Board.
MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
WHAT WOMEN SAY - what they mean:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part
of your body touch any part of mine, again
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE
Without you in it
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while
NO, PIZZA'S FINE
You cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now
I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned
I LIKE YOU, BUT
I don't like you
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU
Just not in that way
YOU NEVER LISTEN
You never listen
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out
if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF
I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
The NAUGHTY Board.
Being Out Ranked.
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously
homosexual male flightattendant. At one point, he bounced
over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has
asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that
would be great."I did as he had instructed but the woman
sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight
attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't
hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please
put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane.
"She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked
her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called
a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well, in MY country,
I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
The NICE board!
Cats VS Dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me....
They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me....
I must be a God!
The RedNeck Board.
A Girl From The South
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side
by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and
then asked again, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
The Golf - Sports Board.
Golf Genie
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive
course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee,
the wife slices her shot right through the large front window
of the biggest house along the course.
They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say,
"Come on in."
Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a
broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke
my window?"
The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him
off. "Actually, I want to thank you - I'm a genie who was
trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.
I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is
give each of you one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie,
"it's the least I could do."
And you, ma'am, what do you want?" "I want a house in
every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man.
"And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that
bottle, I haven't had sex in a very long time. My wish is to
sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well,
we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't
mind, honey, I don't either."
The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where
he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the
genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is
your husband anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
The genie asks "And he still believes in genies?"
The Political Humor Board.
Bills Out On The Town....Again!
One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl.
He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde, a brunette,
and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the president of the united
states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed
the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars."He then
asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President,
if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low
hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my
apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe
me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
The General Humor Board.
Be careful
Be careful, the toes that you step on today,
Might be attached to the ass you;ll have to kiss tomorrow
The Every Day Life Board.
The Radio
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school
in Memphis, Tennessee. The letter was sent to the principal's office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit
to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that
it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the
aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95
and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter
how often or sweetly I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could
listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
