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This is the best of the best from the week of 6-20-1999 Men and Women Board. MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: WHAT WOMEN SAY - what they mean: CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again I JUST NEED SOME SPACE Without you in it DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while NO, PIZZA'S FINE You cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW I just don't want you as a boyfriend now I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned I LIKE YOU, BUT I don't like you OF COURSE I LOVE YOU Just not in that way YOU NEVER LISTEN You never listen WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE Well, near there; I just want to get this over with I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. The NAUGHTY Board. Being Out Ranked. I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flightattendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane. "She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well, in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" The NICE board! Cats VS Dogs A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.... I must be a God! The RedNeck Board. A Girl From The South A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then asked again, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?" The Golf - Sports Board. Golf Genie A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you - I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it's the least I could do." And you, ma'am, what do you want?" "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife. "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't mind, honey, I don't either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replies. The genie asks "And he still believes in genies?"
The Political Humor Board. Bills Out On The Town....Again! One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars."He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent." The General Humor Board. Be careful Be careful, the toes that you step on today, Might be attached to the ass you;ll have to kiss tomorrow The Every Day Life Board. The Radio The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with. Dear Reyer School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or sweetly I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Sincerely, Edna Johnston
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