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This is the best of the best from the week of 6-20-1999 Men and Women Board. Cute Little Riddles Why does it take millions of sperm to fertillize an egg? Only one of them will stop and ask for directions. Why doesn't a woman blink during foreplay? She doesn't have time. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why doesn't a woman have the same size brain as a man? Because she doesn't have a penis to keep it in. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They were intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lie on there backs? Because their balls fall over there assholes and they vapor lock. Why does a man masturbate so much? It's sex with someone who loves and understands him. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump your leg at cocktail parties. Why did God make man before woman? Rough draft. Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So a man can tell if he's coming or going. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows-it hasn't happened yet. Why does a man become smarter during sex? Because he is plugged into a genius. The NAUGHTY Board. Thee Monkey and the cue ball A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" responds the patron. "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first." The NICE board! Big lies The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !" The RedNeck Board. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. The Golf - Sports Board. The Gorilla and Golfing There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?" The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought. Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check." After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies, "Same as his driving." "That good, huh?" "No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

The Political Humor Board. Q: What's the difference between Nixon and Lewinski? A: One shredded the incriminating evidence, the other hadn not a shred of incriminating evidence Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex? A: When you have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse..... The General Humor Board. Shame on you Little Mary was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's that?" Her dad said "That's what I call 'a shame'." Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Mary said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants." The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?" Little Mary said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday." The Every Day Life Board. Deep thoughts
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
   and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
   self-help section?" 
   She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
   going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9) If a man stands in the middle of the forest with no woman around to
   hear him - is he still wrong?

10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
    it considered a hostage situation?

11) Is there another word for synonym?

12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
    endangered plant?

15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
    clean them?

18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
    remain silent?

22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"

24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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