This is the best of the best from the week of 7-11-1999
Men and Women Board.
A Real Man!
Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails,
sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams,
living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious,
has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that
she cannot find a "real" man.
The NAUGHTY Board.
Ride em cowboy
A husband and wife start getting the hots for each other one night and
put their five-year old son Mikey to bed early. The parents hop into
their bed and start necking and making out. After a few minutes of that,
they start having sex. The wife is really liking it and is expressing her
enjoyment very verbally (read: she was moaning really loud.) Mikey hears
this and heads to his parents' bedroom. He opens the door and catches his
parents in the act. The husband doesn't know what to do. Mikey jumps onto
the bed and grabs his dad around the waist. The husband thinks nothing of
it and starts having sex again. Mikey likes it and says, "Ride that bull,
dad!" A few minutes later, the wife gets close to orgasm and begins
screaming. Mikey holds his dad tighter and says, "Hold on, dad! This is
when the milkman and I usually get thrown off!"
The NICE board!
Where Am I?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to fly to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign read:
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."
The RedNeck Board.
The FarmHand
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand
as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working
on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,'
I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on
me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
The Golf - Sports Board.
Damn
The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very
good at it, and uttered a loud "DAMN, I missed!" each time he missed.
The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any
more.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after
another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "DAMN, I
missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or
God will show you a sign".
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud
"DAMN, I missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and
struck the priest dead.
Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "DAMN, I missed!!!"
The Political Humor Board.
A new car!
A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a
status symbol to drive around and be seen in.
She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer,
and plops down several years income for a brand new
state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream
mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and
searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a
control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that
gizmo...jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.
Can't find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to
the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him
they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right
there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard
computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.
He demonstrates: "Classical," he says.
"click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues,"
she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays. She
drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a
Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and "click" Joan
Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying
much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light
and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.
"click" ... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the
United States."
The General Humor Board.
Son-In-Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we
care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn
the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand
being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you
half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't
like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going
to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
The Every Day Life Board.
To Wit to Woo
'There was only one thing on the mind of bird-lover
Neil Symmons. To wit, to woo an owl.
'Each evening, he stood in his garden imitating the call
of the night hunters, hoping one would reply.
'But, cry as he might, none seemed to give a hoot about
him. Then, one magical evening last year, came the
moment he had dreamed of. He gave out his customary call
... and back came the clear tones of a tawny owl.
'It was the start of a most unusual nocturnal relationship
since, well, the owl and the pussycat.
'For a year, 41-year-old Mr Symmons took to his garden
each night, calling to his newfound feathered friend -
and getting a heartening response. Althought he never
actually saw the co-operative creature, he kept a log of
their 'conversations.'
'His ambition of breaking the code of bird language and
gaining some understanding of owl communications was
taking wing.
'Until, that is, his wife Kim got chatting to next-door
neighbour Wendy Cornes.
'"My husband spends his nights in the garden calling
out to owls," said Mrs Symmons.
'"That's odd," Mrs Cornes replied. 'So does my Fred."
'Then it dawned on them ...'
