This is the best of the best from the week of 7-04-1999
Men and Women Board.
The Perfect Factory
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you
think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut
and don't pout when I yell at them."
The NAUGHTY Board.
Romancing your Man
A woman complains to her friend that her hubbie is losing
interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the
joys of copulation.
Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more
effort (like watching more footie ?). She advises her to cook her
man a slap up meal and then send him drinking down the pub
with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her
naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is
dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her
lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and
take it all of. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the
bedroom mirror and open her legs.
This excites the woman immensely as her hubbie has never
been this erotic before.
She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her
legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no....maybe the lads are
right. A beard wouldn't suit me"
The NICE board!
Montna State trooper
Two guys were driving through Montana when they get pulled over by a State trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls
down the window, and the trooper smacks him on the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What did ya do that for?".
The trooper says,"You're in Montana, son. When I pull you over, you'll have
your license ready".
Driver says "Sorry officer, I'm not from around here".
The trooper runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
back his license and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down,
and the trooper smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger says "What'd you do that for?". The trooper says,"Just making
your wish come true". The passenger says "Huh?".
The cop says "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish
that assh**e would've tried that sh*t with me"
The RedNeck Board.
Cowboy humor
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face
while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had
ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
The Golf - Sports Board.
A Irishmans first Ballgame
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never
having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time.
So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand.
The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick,
who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.
Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump
of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick
*crack* hits the ball and runs down the side.
And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands.
This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball,
the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting
behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt.
And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"
This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.
Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says
that he doesn't have to run.
So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
The Political Humor Board.
More Clinton humor
White House spokesman Mike McCurry said that what the President had actually asked
Ms. Lewinsky to do was "lie under an oaf."
Why are there no book marks in the White House?
Because they bend all the pages over.
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of
"Deep Throat."
How does Hillary feel?
She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST.
Realization of from another White House intern . . .
"And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!"
The General Humor Board.
A real groaner
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied,
"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
The Every Day Life Board.
US AIR FORCE
These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the
maintenance crews:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
