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This is the best of the best from the week of 7-25-1999 Men and Women Board. Men DON'T read this! Men went to the Moon... Guys invented Mooning If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him. Is he still wrong? The first time Adam had a chance He laid the blame on a woman As long as you know most men are like children You know everything Laugh and the world laughs with you Snore and you sleep alone My husband said he wanted more space So I locked him outside If the world were a logical place... Men would ride sidesaddle Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said... "I know, I married the wrong man." I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back If at first you don't succeed "Try listening to your wife" A Woman's Rule of Thumb If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it! Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation,MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids... Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do. So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs... And say they want a "real women"! It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm of Ted Koppel. Why do women live longer than men? Someone has to stick around and clean up after them. The guy who said all men are created equal. Never went to a nudist colony. PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY. Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men? She died laughing before she could tell anybody The NAUGHTY Board. Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis. Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."" The NICE board! Cadillacs have it all A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!" The RedNeck Board. A farmers friend A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ... voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2L of milk." Oh ummm ouchy...~*giggles*~ The Golf - Sports Board. Par Two A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?" "Yes, I am," he replied. St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?" The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?" The Political Humor Board. Hillary and Janet First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?" The General Humor Board. Paddy and his two friends.. Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.' The Every Day Life Board. Broken luggage I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

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