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This is the best of the best from the week of 7-04-1999 Men and Women Board. Benefits of Adoring your Mans Penis 1. Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life. 2. If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories. 3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away. 4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill. 5. Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. 6. Intercourse prevents divorce. 7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells. 8. Sex eliminates headaches. 9. Obeying the Eleventh Comandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chance of getting into heaven. 10. Inviting a attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday. The NAUGHTY Board. Blonde Logic To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his"tool".This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!" The NICE board! I WON I WON! A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." (If you didn't get it, read it a few more times. If you still don't get it, uhhh...ask.) The RedNeck Board. The city slicker... A city slicker was walking down a dirt road in the country he spotted a farmers house with some milk weed in the front yard. So he walks up to the house and said to the farmer, "I noticed you have some milk weed in your front yard, do you mind if I get some?" The farmer replied, "You can try all you want, but your not going to get any milk out of them." So five minutes later the city slicker came back to the house with a hat full of milk. The farmer was astonished. He said "while I was out there, I noticed you had some butter cups, do you mind if I get some?" the farmer replied "you might have gotten milk out of milk weed but your not going to get butter out of butter cup, but you can try if you'd like." Five minutes later, the city slicker returned with a hat full of butter. Once again the farmer couldn't believe it. The city slicker said "While I was out there I noticed you had a pussy willow." The farmer replies "Hold on I'lll go get my hat" The Golf - Sports Board. The Wish A man teed off from the 7th hole of his favorite course & wound up in the sand trap. He went to retrieve his ball & found a leprechaun in the sand trap. "Well; you've found me laddy, I'll grant you one wish-either a year of great golf or a year of great sex." Without hesitation the man replied, "A year of great golf." And, indeed, he DID enjoy a whole year of professional grade golf. Alas; the year ended; & he went back to his terrible scores of before. Again on his favorite golf course; he AGAIN found himself in the same sand trap & again found the same leprechaun. Once again....the same choice of wishes were offered........ Without hesitation.....the man asked AGAIN for a year of great golf!!! The leprechaun was astounded! "Laddie, you look like a red blooded man. I don't understand WHY you don't ask for the great sex for a year. Your sex life must be pretty good already! How much do you get anyway? " "About twice a month," the man answered. "And you think that's great?", shouted the leprechaun. "Yep. Not bad for a small town priest .." said the man.

The Political Humor Board. Presidential Wives The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages. The wife of Tony Blair says inEngland people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumour because it goes from mouth to mouth. The General Humor Board. Alcohol Warnings Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. The Every Day Life Board. Embarrasing Moments While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." -- Amy; Stafford,Virginia
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