This is the best of the best from the week of 7-04-1999
Men and Women Board.
Benefits of Adoring your Mans Penis
1. Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but
contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Comandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your
chance of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting a attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a
diamond choker for your birthday.
The NAUGHTY Board.
Blonde Logic
To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the
young man went up to the roof of his apartment building
in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show,
he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man
fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn
on his"tool".This young man was determined not to miss
this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and
wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at
his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home
cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room
to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young
man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be
excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall,
cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member
in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,
wandered into the kitchen to see him with his "tool"
immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde
exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
The NICE board!
I WON I WON!
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down
to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a
peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells,
"I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The
biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a
motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over
to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won
a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home,
I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to
the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
(If you didn't get it, read it a few more times. If you
still don't get it, uhhh...ask.)
The RedNeck Board.
The city slicker...
A city slicker was walking down a dirt road in the country
he spotted a farmers house with some milk weed in the
front yard. So he walks up to the house and said to the
farmer, "I noticed you have some milk weed in your front
yard, do you mind if I get some?"
The farmer replied, "You can try all you want, but your not
going to get any milk out of them."
So five minutes later the city slicker came back to the
house with a hat full of milk. The farmer was astonished.
He said "while I was out there, I noticed you had some
butter cups, do you mind if I get some?" the farmer replied
"you might have gotten milk out of milk weed but your not
going to get butter out of butter cup, but you can try if
you'd like."
Five minutes later, the city slicker returned with a hat full
of butter. Once again the farmer couldn't believe it.
The city slicker said "While I was out there I noticed you
had a pussy willow."
The farmer replies "Hold on I'lll go get my hat"
The Golf - Sports Board.
The Wish
A man teed off from the 7th hole of his favorite course & wound up
in the sand trap. He went to retrieve his ball & found a leprechaun in
the sand trap.
"Well; you've found me laddy, I'll grant you one wish-either a year
of great golf or a year of great sex."
Without hesitation the man replied, "A year of great golf."
And, indeed, he DID enjoy a whole year of professional grade golf.
Alas; the year ended; & he went back to his terrible scores of
before.
Again on his favorite golf course; he AGAIN found himself in the
same sand trap & again found the same leprechaun.
Once again....the same choice of wishes were offered........
Without hesitation.....the man asked AGAIN for a year of great
golf!!!
The leprechaun was astounded!
"Laddie, you look like a red blooded man. I don't understand WHY
you don't ask for the great sex for a year. Your sex life must be
pretty good already! How much do you get anyway? "
"About twice a month," the man answered.
"And you think that's great?", shouted the leprechaun.
"Yep. Not bad for a small town priest .." said the man.
The Political Humor Board.
Presidential Wives
The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about
what a penis is called in their native languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says inEngland people call it a gentleman because it
stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down
after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumour because it
goes from mouth to mouth.
The General Humor Board.
Alcohol Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings
like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really
big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
The Every Day Life Board.
Embarrasing Moments
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided
to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks
of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw
you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of laughter."
-- Amy; Stafford,Virginia
