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This is the best of the best from the week of 8-1-1999 Men and Women Board. Why? A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son." The NAUGHTY board! Sexual Math THE FACTS Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948) Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States ASSUMPTIONS 1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate. LET'S DO THE NUMBERS 132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-offs/week 6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week 396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period CONCLUSION At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off. So, be careful who you shake hands with! The NICE board! A Good & Pious Man Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?" The RedNeck Board. Alabama A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us." The Golf - Sports Board. Baseball humor Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole." The Political Humor Board. Carload of Democrats A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he had seen the car. "Yep" replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff. "Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt. "You buried them?" asked the sheriff, "Were they still alive?" Replied the farmer, "They said they were, but you know how those people lie." The General Humor Board. Pinocchio's Splinters One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later,Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" and Pinocchio replied: "Girls, who needs girls?!!!!!!!!!" The Every Day Life Board. Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: * This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. * I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. * Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? * A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. * Allow me to introduce my selves. * Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. * Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. * I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? * Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? * I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. * A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. * Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. * Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? * Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! * Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? * And which dwarf are you?
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