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This is the best of the best from the week of 8-15-1999 Men and Women Board. Marriage A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. The NAUGHTY board! Cute but Stupid Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "He sure is cute, but he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind !" The NICE board! Hard of Hearing A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" The RedNeck Board. Shipwrecked Redneck A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" The Golf - Sports Board. Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours) 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. The Political Humor Board. Fortelling Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her : "Prepare yourself for widowhood... Your husband is about to die a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies : "Will I be acquitted?" The General Humor Board. Cats in Physics 1.Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2.Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3.Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4.Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5.Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6.Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7.Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8.Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9.Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10.Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11.Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12.First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13.Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14.Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15.Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16.Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17.Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18.Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19.Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 20.Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21.Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22.Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23.Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24.Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25.Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. The Every Day Life Board. Alleged actual letters from tenants 1) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2) I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off . 3) This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4) The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 5) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall 6) I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 7) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 8) The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 9) Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 10) Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 11) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 12) Would you please send a man to repair my down spout . I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. 13) Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 14) I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. 15) When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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