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This is the best of the best from the week of 8-22-1999 Men and Women Board. A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?" The NAUGHTY board! a cute blonde joke three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter The NICE board! Is this Heaven? There were two lovers who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, and sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat a good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona." The RedNeck Board. Cowboy Logic Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle. The Golf - Sports Board. The Political Humor Board. Trying Hard White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clifton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit." The General Humor Board. Smart Aleck "You really going to eat all that?!?" "Well, actually, I was thinking about eating about 17 percent or so, and using the rest for a small thermonuclear reactor I'm building in the upstairs bathroom." "Ahem... did you plan on doing your chores anytime soon?" "Not particularly, but thanks for asking." "You know, I've never seen anyone procrastinate as much as you do!" "Really? Well, I have a lot of friends who procrastinate much more. I'll introduce you to them when I get around to it sometime." "Didn't I tell you, don't drink before bedtime!" "Um, logically speaking, isn't it essentially ALWAYS before bedtime?" "If you don't eat your veggies, you won't grow up big and strong like Daddy!" [looking at overweight dad] "How about I just eat half of them so I can get the "strong" part and forget about the, uh 'big' part." "You need to mow the lawn today." "I'm sorry, that's herbicide, and I am a conscientious objector." "Hey kid, when your older brother was growing up, he watched HALF the TV you do!" "That's because when he was growing up, the TV screen was half the size!" "Now when you go out tonight, hun, you don't want to get in trouble, do you?" "Well, I suppose it depends on the kind of trouble I'm offered." "I told you to be home at 10pm!" "But I was driving pretty far, and you didn't specify a time zone." The Every Day Life Board. Dolphin fact So thats what Sea World is about.. I found this factoid on a friends web site.. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. I just didn't know that humans and dolphins could.. much less that it would be.. well. pleasurable.. *gulp*..
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