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This is the best of the best from the week of 8-29-1999 Men and Women Board. What did you do today? One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today? "She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes", was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." The NAUGHTY board! Greek Style A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!" "You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" "It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. "Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question. Do you like doing it Greek style?" "Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" "Definitely!" the man replies. "All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees." "Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK Bill, he's ready now !" The NICE board! Boys Buying Tampons? Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" The RedNeck Board. My sister's from KY and sent these to me so don't get mad! *l* Kentucky A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky? A: I-75. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do a divorce in Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room? A: A full set of teeth. The Golf - Sports Board. Sports Quotes 1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican- born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" 1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." 1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." 1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." The Political Humor Board. Hillary's new book? What is the title of Hillary's new book? It Takes a Village (to Satisfy My Husband) The General Humor Board. Men's Deodorant Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms." The Every Day Life Board. Quick Wit: I have enough money to last me the rest of my life-- unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason A quarter goes a long way now. You can carry it around for days without finding a thing it will buy. -- Anonymous

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