This is the best of the best from the week of 8-8-1999
Men and Women Board.
That's Once!
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far
when my husband's mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband
quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his
pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he
looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
The NAUGHTY board!
Sexual Math
Two car salesman.....
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more
cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If
I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
The NICE board!
Jury Duty
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a
computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to
report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40
of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum,
and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No.
12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on
the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
The RedNeck Board.
If anyone knows a lawyer, can you get an answer to the following question:
If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to
relocate to the state of West Virginia, where they get married, have three children
over a seven year period, and then decide to divorce, if after the man moves
back to the state of Tennessee, can the couple thereafter still be referred
to as brother and sister?
The Golf - Sports Board.
Cheating
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on
time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we
make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the
lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the
rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5
minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a
four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to
the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd
cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been
standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
The Political Humor Board.
Q: Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
A: He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the
needs of his staff.
Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching"
Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth."
Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A: They both heard a giant sucking sound!
Q: What's the headline on the Washington Post read?
A: Bush finally defeats Clinton.
The General Humor Board.
The Milk cows
A small village in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2,000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally,
--- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots
of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the
cow and get more cows like it, andthen they would never have to worry about
their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull
came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the
bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This
went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do.
After all he was very wise.
They told him the story: "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the
bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from
the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the
cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
The Every Day Life Board.
DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES-UNEDITED!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam reveaied a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
22. 1 saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The tab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection, however, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination YAII be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
