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This is the best of the best from the week of 9-12-1999 Men and Women Board. lady's you'll love this one! A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?" A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband. A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... an oven repair man?" A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?" "Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake." "What kind of cake did you make him?" "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?" The NAUGHTY board! The nudist colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean" The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..." Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." The NICE board! Rats or Attorneys? We will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3.No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do. The RedNeck Board. Walking home A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." The Golf - Sports Board. Red Tees A man decided to shoot a round of golf alone, since all his friends were busy. In the clubhouse, he is put with a threesome, because it was such a busy day. He was grouped with two other men and a beautiful woman. After an excellent day on the course, the two men excused themselves. The lady asked the man to dinner, where the evening progressed better than expected. After dinner, they hit a couple nightclubs and become amorous. She asked him to accompany her to her place. Once at her apartment, she immediately gave him the best BJ he has ever had. After the interlude, she invited him out golfing the next day. The next day, the same thing happened - a great round of golf, a good dinner at a fine restaurant, an evening on the town followed by the best BJ he had ever had. Again, she invited him to go golfing the next day. This routine is repeated over the course of the next few days, almost like clockwork - golf, dinner, dancing, BJ Finally, after a week or so, the man decided to change the routine. After the golf, dinner, and dancing, the couple retired back to her place. When he walked in, she was already on her knees ready to complete the evening. The man exclaimed, "Tonight, I want to be different. I want to go all the way." The lady informed him, "I'm not really a women, but I'm really a man in drag." The man became furious and exclaimed, "And all this time you have been hitting from the red tees?" The Political Humor Board. A few old Quotes Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'. -- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign. -- 12th Congressional District hopeful, William Jefferson Clinton, during the Nixon investigations. The General Humor Board. I Need a Push? A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there!" slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed!" says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do, would be to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yesh, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here... over here on your swing." The Every Day Life Board. English is easy..isn't it? If you think that English is easy to learn for foreigners, well think again after you read these. You won't be able to read these without smiling. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip,turn cock to right. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manger has personally passed all the water served here. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner : Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

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