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This is the best of the best from the week of 9-19-1999 Men and Women Board. THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR: Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00 Private dance and hotel room: $500.00 Sending her on her way and never having to listen to her bitching... Priceless MASTERCARD The NAUGHTY board! Johnny and the fire truck A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Johnny Nasty was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." The NICE board! The smartest man in the world A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight in a small private airplane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, he plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack. The RedNeck Board. The Zebra... Someone left the zebra's cage open by accident, and he escaped and ran to a local farm. He approached an old hen and asked, "What do YOU do around here?" She said, "I lay eggs for the farmers breakfast." Then he walked over to a cow and asked, "What do YOU do around here?" She said, "I give milk for the farmers breakfast." Then he walked over a huge stallion and asked, "What do YOU do around here?" He said, "Take off those faggy pajamas, and I'll show you EXACTLY what I do around here!" The Golf - Sports Board. Gimme Three guys were getting ready to tee off when the starter stopped them and asked them if they would take a fourth. After seeing who the fourth was a beautiful blonde with long legs, they all agreed to let her join the group. As they approached the first tee, the blonde told the golfers, "I'm not very good at golf. I'd appreciate it if you would be patient with me." "No problem!" said all three golfers. On the first tee, the blonde hit a nice drive down the center of the fairway. On her second shot, she was on the green. All four golfers approached the green and the blonde said, "I have never gotten a birdie in my life. If one you gentlemen can help me sink this putt, I will perform oral sex on the gentleman who helps me." The first guy steps up and said, "The putt will break six inches to the right." The second guy steps up and said, "No, no four inches to the left." The third guys said, "Ah, just pick it up, it's a gimme." The Political Humor Board. Straight from the White House Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others. The General Humor Board. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asked, "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent." The Every Day Life Board. Thought you would like to know about... Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.) As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique? She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly. So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on -her- fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand. This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 20 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better. Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology. (For what it's worth -- it really does work! It leaves a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)

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