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This is the best of the best from the week of 9-5-1999 Men and Women Board. Husbands are so sweet...... Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First, the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life!" The NAUGHTY board! Place your bets!!! A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." The NICE board! Time for some coffee It's Coffee Time... A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in her cup. Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered "Grandma, it says on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." The RedNeck Board. MEASUREMENTS A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed." "Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches." "Wow, around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" "It's 28 inches." "Around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your manhood." "You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!" "Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" "Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!! The Golf - Sports Board. The Political Humor Board. Heard on the Radio! The FBI is having a real difficult time with the "bodily fluids" found on the Lewinsky dress. Seems everybody in Arkansas has the same DNA... The General Humor Board. Cheating question A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then said, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." The Every Day Life Board. out of the mouthes of babes * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. * It's hard to unlearn a bad word. * Ask Why until you understand. * It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper. * A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen. * It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher. * Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines. * Twelve is a lot older than eight. * Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers. * Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are. * Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you. * If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party. * Crawling still gets you there. * If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. * Your room gets smaller as you get bigger. * You can't start over just because you're losing the game. * When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one. * If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year. * One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water. * You can't be everyone's best friend. * A snow day is more fun than a vacation day. * All libraries smell the same. * If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it. * Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. * Ask where things come from. * If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back. * Don't nod on the phone. * Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk. * Silence can be an answer.

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