Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "A" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
A Guide to Love and Sex for Today's Young Woman
As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions
concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank
"question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Rut explains
everythiong you've ever wondered about.
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably has a
differentideal of what her own personal Prince Charming should act and
look like.
However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good
suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a
bar ... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men
crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that
looksinteresting - it's bets to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys"
indesigner clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick
somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly
approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your
place. He'll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
tryout many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggresive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
upto you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be affraid to approach
men on
streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with
simple"hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an
expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience
a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of
commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself pregnant. Ask him
how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't
understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue
your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his
promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strangeto you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarressed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
forthe purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when
he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on yur knees and thank you lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust men or
something ? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going
out and buying him an expensive gift.
-------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman...
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. he
goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"
The embarrassed woman sais, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you
don't leave me alone I will go get him!"
"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"
After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I
would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY
big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"
"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"
A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I
would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it
out of there!"
"Well..... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in
trouble!!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out
there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up,
gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his
shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching
for his ax handle.
"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink
every bit of it out of there!"
The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and
continues to read his paper.
The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.
"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"
------------------------------------
Airplane
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport
(Toronto)
on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to
thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now
hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in
Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for
a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper,
you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."
Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to
the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old
ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go
for a shit first."
--------------------------------
Two Aliens
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle
out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that
resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first
one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"
He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses
the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"
Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If
this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!" . The
second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the
next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle
to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling
take me to your leader!"
No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.
After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down
the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew
that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not
going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around
his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"
-------------------------------
All Trains to Aldershot
An old railway servant had spent his whole life at one station on the
(former) Great Western line. One of his main job was to call out:
"Next train for Oxshott, Bagshot and Aldershot."
"Change for Uppingham, Woking, and Buckingham. Not for Hants, Dorset and
the West."
One day the District Manager came, and explained that under the Beeching
reforms he would be replaced by a Tannoy system, and was now redundant.
On the old man's last day at work, startled commuters heard:
"Next train for Ox shit, pig shit and all the shit."
"Change for tupping'em, poking and fuckingham, not your pants, corsets
and vest."
"Furthermore, rollocks, pollocks and assholes to the fornicating railway,
I've had me cards!"
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Apples & Cheerios
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave
them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests
and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help
you.
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and
you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye
in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you
must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only
your tongue.
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the
good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take
the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help.
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the
office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
cheerios..."
--------------------------------
At The Ritz
This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat
herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant
but nice all the same.
The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total:
150 quid! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter "Would you
mind holding my breasts while I write the cheque please?"
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never
been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he
obliges.
She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curoisity
gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door "I'm
sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do
that just now."
"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my tits held
when I'm being shafted!"
