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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers..


E-Mail this joke
to a friend!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons
Is  why we're not here.
So leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my  parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Narrator's voice:  There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! 
The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the
middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?  
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.  The bell hath sounded.  Thou must leave a message. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi.   Now you say something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. 
 Wait for the beep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. 
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, 
so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your 
message, just hold it up to the phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages. My owners 
do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity 
through their office and do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your 
name and number, and they will get back to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, 
think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll 
think about returning your call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi.  I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and
if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and 
then wait by your phone until I call you back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't
 come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home, and it's safe to leave us a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very, sleepy now.  You 
are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear 
the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers 
will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral 
purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service 
and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the 
tone.  Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say 
will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone right now, because 
we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing 
it left to right ...  real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth 
we'll get back to you.
______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

~Reaching out to a friend is like hugging a comfortable blanket~ 



                       

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