Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "B" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
Baby Size
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their
relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed
and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know
that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and
that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his
penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size
didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That
night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort
hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy
nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the
bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like
a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and
her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was
going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his
penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said
"Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"
"It is" he said "9 pounds and 21 inches long"
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Beware of Welshmen
This English gentleman was driving his Roller through wild Wales....
When all of a sudden this chap called Dai (for it was he) jumps out into
the middle of the single-track road brandishing a 12 bore shotgun and
pointing it directly at Fotherington-Smythe. F-S screeched to halt. A
year's worth of rubber on the Roller's tyres burned in a couple of
seconds.
Dai gestures with the barrel of the gun that F-S should wind down the
window. F-S does not feel like arguing.
"W....w...what do you want?" asks F-S.
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Here and now?" Asks F-S incredulously.
"Aye, aye, and be quick about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the
aged shotgun an inch from F-S' right year.
After F-S had filled his hanky he asked "Now what?"
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Again?" asks F-S.
"Aye, aye, and be quicker about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the
aged shotgun closer to F-S' right year.
Comes the time when F-S asks again "Now what?"
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Again?" asks F-S.
"Aye, aye, and be quicker again" replies Dai, poking the barrel of the
aged shotgun against F-S' earlug.
This went on for quite a while until F-S finally implored "I can't. I
can't. I've got nothing more to offer. Anything.... anything else,
please, don't expect me to do that again for a fortnight..... please ask
me to do
something else"
"Oh. Ok then." says Dai "you can now give my daughter a lift into town...."
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Bill
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young
lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with
him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that he
has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on
his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the
door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my
best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his
throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be
your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts!
They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are
firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no
blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears
are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said
you heard someone coming - That was me!"
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Billy the little bastard!
Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a
sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said, I'm a little dirty bastard, Who
are you? to which the sheep replied - I'm a sheep, and you're not a little
dirty bastard, you're a bunny. Billy just shook his head and continued on
his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped
along the field.
Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said, I'm a little dirty
bastard, Who are you? to which the goat replied - I'm a goat, and you're
not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny. Billy just shook his head and
continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers
as he hopped along the field.
Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said, I'm a little
dirty bastard, Who are you? to which the horse replied - I'm a horse, and
you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny. Billy just shook his
head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling
the flowers as he hopped along the field.
Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest
little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy
hoppeds up to her, cleared his throat, and said, I'm a little dirty
bastard, who are you. She looked at him, smiled and said, My mane is
jane,and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a
little dirty bastard? Billy said, My names Billy, and I am a little dirty
bastard. Everyone says so. Jane turned her pretty little nose up into the
air, and said, if you can't talk decently, go away! and so saying she
turned around and started to eat some grass. Billy hopped on and shagged
like crazy. Jane jumped up and said, Why, you little dirty bastard,
whereupon Billy smiled and hopped away.
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Blonde
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how
hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers
license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a
few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde. "It's
usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll
be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher
came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff
back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer.."
---------------------------------
Boy it's Dark in Here!
This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what
took place in their room when the doors were locked.
As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her
boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boys father comes home. The wife
wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.
After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes
the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In
reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when
the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.
After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet,
and too upset too continue she sends him on his way.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll
of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come
from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and
upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.
The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional
and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the
door over the boy said"Boy it's dark in here, to which the priest replied,
"Don't start that shit again!"
---------------------------------
BREAD
There once was this little bread shop not to far from the school.
Working behind the counter every day after school was a very voluptuous,
nice looking, long legged blond girl. She always wore short skirts and
no panties underneath.
One day a boy stopped in after school to get some raison bread for his
mother on the way home from school. The raisin bread was kept on the top
shelf behind the counter so the girl had to climb a ladder to get to it.
When the young boy looked up, he was so amazed and thrilled at the sight,
he had to tell all of his friends at school.
From then on, everyday after school, all of the boys would stop in and
get one loaf of raisin bread at a time, day after day after day. It got
to be so regular, that the girl just stayed on the ladder until she was
sure that all of the boys had gotten their bread.
School was cancelled one day so the boys didn't stop by for their bread.
Not knowing there was no school, the girl was already at the top of her
ladder waiting the arrival of the young boys to buy their raisin bread.
In the store cam an elderly man who looked up and noticed the girl on the
ladder with no panties underneath.
Without looking down, the girls say, "I know, it's raisin right?"
To which the man replied, "No, but it sure is a twitchin'"
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Broom Factory
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew
her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear
and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the
broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed
his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I
gonna quit now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle
as well."
