Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "C" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
sarge
shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his
pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Can't Get Enough...
A young farmer is newly married, and the couple can't get enough sex.
Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they tear make love, and
when he returns home at evening they have another go - before and after
supper, and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during
the day, the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so
much time traveling home and back again at noon, that he decides to
consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your
rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the
mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for
her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day
though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer
sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a
shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place
and screw. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie
since the huntin' season got started..."
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Cauliflowers
There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their
years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in
their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while
Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect
situation.
Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years
he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread
around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest,
firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had
the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.
George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show
where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home
and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her
cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She
used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a
recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an
immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others,
truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would
never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a
show.
One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his
cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were
large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly
forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the
best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in
cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.
When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive
vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were
amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and
appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he
returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.
As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts
until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she
would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was
her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling
up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right,
not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy
kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared
her special sauce.
George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with
desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint
creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the
sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the
kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.
When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful
meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas
fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of
course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George
opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year,
Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.
With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to
Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their
honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the
wonderful aroma.
DISASTER!!!!
The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared
sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was
so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not
even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered.
Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat
out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.
George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and
it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him
but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.
'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous
red stains'
Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep
scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.
'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think
of something'
'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'
George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he
didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on
the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.
'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many
cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'
Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been
musing and had come up with an idea.
'What about lipstick?'
'What?'
'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and
sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough
money to take a little holiday.'
'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she
added, always concerned about these things.
'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George
So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised
way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife
laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the
cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in
which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and
development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally
they had produced the basic lipstick component.
'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha
'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a
warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'
'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'
George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had
had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new
product.
'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......
(Wait for it!)
..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!
---------------------------------
Chinese Torture
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage
and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he
comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and
the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke
coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to
the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The
man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent
meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a
meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let
you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't
cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese
man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw
how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he
had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time,
but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He
opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a
sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a
lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over
to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside
of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock
tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window
to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a
third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
bedpost".
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Confessions
Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for
confession.
He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.
"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was dark." replied the boy.
"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?" The boy said he still didn't know.
"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was too dark." insisted the boy.
"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.
The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity. Finally,
the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he
could reveal the girl's name.
Outside his mate was waiting anxiously.
"Did you get absolution?" he asked.
"Naw." said his pal. "But I got 4 names for the dance this Saturday!"
---------------------------------
Confession Two!
A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
---------------------------------
A couple takes a long cruise..
Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty
years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and
make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"
He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went
down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked
for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you
know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we
couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild
passionate love like we did when we were young."
He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped
up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.
Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big
smile on her face.
"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are
all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."
"I'll be right back," he said.
Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy
counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz
sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of
boxes of condoms.
The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then
passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr.
Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I
certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick -
WHY DO YOU DO IT!"
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