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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and
the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
Submitted by Carol
Joe has been in the computer business for 25 years and
is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible.
Joe sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
Name's Cliff... Your neighbor from four miles away...
Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Joe, "after six months out here
I'm ready to meet some local folks.
As Cliff is leaving he stops.
"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Cliff stops.
"More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Joe says, "Well, I get along with most people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Cliff turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Joe,
"I've been all alone for six months !!
I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
Cliff stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Submitted by Dan Zangari
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to fly to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign read:
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."
MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in
the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time
that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages
at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage
of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million
people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation'
warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a
short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director
Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner
ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to
investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching
the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic
control over error messages.
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually
arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo
This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent
answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke
into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he
asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the
manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card
popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever
Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his
feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to
rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said,
"Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and
a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:
"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
Buy a Mac?
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about
to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said
there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus
on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support
Y - to - K
From: Systems Group
Re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
We are pleased to report that our staff has completed the 18
months of "Y-to-K" work, on time, and on budget. We have gone
through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and completely modified dates in all software
and all data to reflect your new standards, as such:
* Months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk * Days: Sundak,
Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
Our team is glad to help in any way possible, although honestly,
the urgency of this "Y-to-K" project has not made much sense to us,
with all push to complete this before the year 2000. Speaking of
which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit
year rolls over from 99 to 00? That could cause some problems.
Help for Internet Addiction
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online.
You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror
lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is
concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics
Anonymous, we can help.
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself
that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings
designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never
"cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an
addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only
to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company
you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal
preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd
usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you
have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential.
The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today.
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Submitted by C. Way
Y2J Problem Solved
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which
will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.
We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will
have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person
at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked
into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his
nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat
afraid of MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put
anything in MYAS before." I helped her through the first time and
afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually
looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to
save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to
entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated
with the business. After you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want in MYASS.
MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a
supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
Submitted by Betsy
Subject: -What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm
embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and
shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires
within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon
after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although
he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Dear Ann Landers,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in
the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in
Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing
and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.
They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole
life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape &
murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being
held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest
with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a
part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there
is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently
looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with
my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working
as the Madam.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining
our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and
hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to
bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally
honest with her.
So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being
employed by Microsoft?
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