Welcome to Wonderful world of computers. You know those little devices that we spend HOURS infront of.
Computers
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At
the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his
finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with
his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he
yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The
trouble must be at your end!"
The following is a true story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: Hello, is this Tech Support?
TECH REP: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
CALLER: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting it fixed?
TECH REP: I'm sorry, but did you say 'cup holder'?
CALLER: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
TECH REP: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped -- it's because I
am. Did you receive it as part of a promotion, or at a trade show? How
did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademarks on it.
CALLER: It came with my computer; I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the Tech Rep realized the caller had used the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________
______________________________________
2. Now, describe your problem accurately:
______________________________________
______________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of your problem:
______________________________________
______________________________________
4. Severity of the problem:
a. Minor ___
b. Minor ___
c. Minor ___
d. Trivial ___
5. Is the computer plugged in? Yes ___ No ___
6. Is the computer turned on? Yes ___ No ___
7. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes ___ No ___
8. Have you made the problem worse? Yes ___
9. Have you read the manual? Yes ___ No ___
10. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes ___ No ___
11. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No ___
12. Do you think you understood the manual? Yes ___ No ___
13. If "Yes," then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________
14. How tall are you...are you above this line? ________________
15. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
__________________________________________
16. If "nothing," then explain why you were logged-in:
__________________________________________
17. Are you sure you are not imagining this problem? Yes ___ No ___
18. Describe how this problem makes you feel:
__________________________________________
19. Describe your troubled childhood:
__________________________________________
20. Do you have any independent, RELIABLE witnesses to this problem?
No ___
21. Can't you find something else to do besides bothering me? Yes ___
"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms
and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as
the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of
the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and
conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine
the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like
it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by
the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and
fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If
you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you,
in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
