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When I was a soldier stationed in Germany from 1983-1986, 
I was assigned to the 1st Personnel Command in Schwetzingen, 
Germany. Being in charge of all Army personnel matters, our 
command would receive all messages relating to the deaths
of any Army personnel in Europe. Since I worked on the commander's
staff, I would see all these messages coming in since they 
would become part of his "To Read" file. To this day, I still
remember a couple of incidents. 

A soldier bought a hammock and took it back to his room in the barracks.
At that time, most barracks rooms were occupied by at least two soldiers.
He got the brilliant idea to string the hammock between two wall lockers. 
When he laid upon the hammock, he pulled the two wall lockers down upon
himself and was crushed to death. 


An officer was driving down the Autobahn one night when he got a flat tire. 
He pulled over to the side, put out his warning triangle, per German traffic laws,
and proceeded to change his flat tire. While engaged in this act, the officer
looked up and noticed a vehicle (truck?) heading towards him. In a panic, 
the officer ran around to the other side of his broken-down vehicle, 
and jumped over the railing to escape injury. Unfortunately, the officer 
had chosen to pull-over on an overpass, and plunged to his death. 


We had set up an accounting system for one of our clients and done 
some training over a period of a few months. One of the girls was 
really excited and eager to learn everything about it. One fine day 
she noticed one of her machines was acting a little strange so she 
gave me a call... 

Girl: One of the machines is doing something weird. It keeps beeping 
and I don't know what to do. 
Me: Okay, go have a look at the screen and tell me what it says. 
Girl: Okay (goes away to have a look at what's on the monitor). 
Okay, the screen is black - it doesn't say anything. 
Me: It may have a screen saver. Go back and hit a key. 
Girl: (Goes away again). That didn't do anything. The screen is still black. 
Me: That's odd. Is the monitor on?? 
Girl: Let me check. (Comes back some time later - laughing) It was off... 

Another time she called me and asked if she could run month-end a 
couple times a week - just to keep things nice and tidy.
I said "why do you think it's called MONTH-END??!!!" 


Dangerous Games
I was contractor working for a company who-shall-remain-nameless 
as a Windows95 phone technician. Elsewhere in this company they 
also did hardware phone support. One of the hardware techs received 
a call from a user with a monitor problem along the lines of 
"I turn the monitor on, but it doesn't show anything". 
According to the customer, the monitor's power indicator 
was on, but there was no image whatsoever. The technician spent well
over an hour and a half trouble shooting this issue, including going 
through every manual they had, and finally gave up. The tech asked 
the customer if they knew of anything that might have caused the problem. 
The customer responded with "Well, you see, last night, my husband, 
he play a submarine game, and he get very angry, and he pull out his 
gun and shoot monitor". The technician, not quite believing this, verified
that there was a large hole in the monitor, then politely informed the 
customer that "If you [the customer] *ever* call tech support about a piece
of hardware that has been shot, you *will* inform the technician of this 
at the beginning of the call." then hung up. 

The only thing that kept the technician mostly sane was the thought that
customer had been sitting and staring at a live and powered cathode ray 
tube (or whatever the equivalent is in a monitor) for about 2 hours all told. 


[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he 
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down 
the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.  Matthew David Hubal, 22, 
was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.  The accident 
occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. 
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump 
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said 
Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.  The 
pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group 
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and crashed into 
a tower.  It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the 
one with its pad removed. 


[Associated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a 
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that 
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said 
Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a 
prank during a party late Tuesday night, said 
Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a 
battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.  "It wouldn't go 
off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."  "He put it 
in his mouth and bit down.  It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and 
his lips," Payne said.  Stromyer was listed in guarded condition 
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at 
Charleston Area Medical Division.  "I just can't imagine anyone doing 
something like that," Payne said. 


[UPI,Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said 
Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is 
lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony 
Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into 
a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.  A 
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered 
Roberts' right eye.  Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to 
the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have 
died instantly.  Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University 
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of 
brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow 
managed to miss all major blood vessels.  Delashaw also said had 
Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have 
killed himself.  Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had 
been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about 
this."  No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district 
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. 


Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of 
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper 
crashed through a pane with his shoulder and 
plunged 24 floors to his death. 

A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into 
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank 
Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining 
the strength of the building's windows to visiting 
law students. 

Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of 
window strength according to police reports. Peter 
Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day 
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy 
was ``one of the best and brightest'' members of 
the 200-man association. 


Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly 
in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened 
to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it 
in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. 

Police found him unconscious in front of the store: 
paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his 
throat, where it had choked him to death. 


Fort-Worth Star Telegram 1/2/96 

Calcutta, India - A tiger killed one man and 
mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday 
when they tried to put a marigold garland around 
its neck in a New Year's greeting. 

Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had 
been drinking before they bought the floral 
garlands and crossed the moat around the tiger's 
enclosure, authorities said. 

"I was shocked to see the two young men weaving 
about in front of a tiger with garlands in their 
hands," said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed the 
attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in 
the zoo. 

The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the 
garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger 
named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of destruction. 

When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck, 
the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari 
intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The tiger 
released Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari. 

"I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the 
other young man and put its head on the man's 
neck, and within moments, the man was apparently 
dead, his head dangling, " Banerjee said. 


Alcohol and tigers don't mix. 
Moats are placed around 
animal enclosures not only to 
keep dangerous animals in, but 
to keep stupid people out. 

Shiva is an appropriate name 
for a Royal Bengal tiger. 
Maybe Shiva was allergic to marigolds. 
Moral of this story - kicking a 
tiger, especially one named 
after a god of destruction, in 
the face will get you killed. 


On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man 
tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his 
first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record 
of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 

1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop; 
2.The shop was full of customers, in a state 
  where a substantial fraction of the adult 
  population is licensed to carry concealed 
  handguns in public places; 
3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a 
  marked King County Police patrol car 
  parked at the front door; 
4.An officer in uniform was standing next to 
  the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. 

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber 
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, 
removing him from the gene pool. 

Several other customers also drew their guns, but 
didn't fire. No one else was hurt. 


"What is the modern world coming to when a gang 
of thieves arrive at the place they are going to rob 
in a taxi?" Justice Morris asked the defendants in a 
robbery case at the Auckland High court. "I 
despair of the future for our country when a group 
of louts like you lack the intelligence to take even 
basic precautions to avoid detection." 

Before sentencing Singeli Senivuga and Veileba 
Jobesa (two illegal Fijian immigrants) for their part 
in the robbery of 5 protective helmets and 400 
puncture repair kits from a Mt Eden bicycle shop, 
Justice Morris continued: "It has been put to me 
that the reason you were so easily apprehended 
after the robbery was that you had no getaway 
car. According to your defence counsel, that is 
because you forgot to ask the taxi to wait for you 
while you committed the crime. But even more 
stupidly, you had telephoned the taxi service in the 
first place and asked to be picked up at your 
home, so even if you had got away it would have 
been a simple matter to locate and arrest you later." 

The judge then added: "Why couldn't you steal a 
car beforehand, like everybody else? You tell me 
it's because you don't have licences, but I preside 
daily over case involving professional criminals 
who don't care about such trivial matters. You are 
imbeciles. I hereby sentence you both to five years 


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