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These are some of the "E" jokes
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--------------------------------- Elderly Woman An elderly woman walked into the head branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhatten Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right at $3million, he phoned the Persident to make the appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introduction were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did businness with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance ?" he asked. "No" she answered "Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired. "No", She replied He was quite for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money. "I won it by betting" she stated. "As in horses?" "No", she replied, "I bet on people" Seeing his confusion, she explaned that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing ? At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explaned to the President that he was her Lawyer and always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake. "Well", she asked,"What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this",he answered,"But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and drooped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him ?", he asked. "Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." --------------------------------- Embarassing Situations A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" --------------------------------- Everything I've Ever Learned, I've Learned From Star Wars 1. Never trust men in dark helmets. 2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. 3. When all else fails....jump! 4. Before kissing ANYBODY, make sure they're not related to you. 5. Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal. 6. If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you. 7. Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved with, they may be your relatives. 8. You may have family members in surprisingly high positions. 9. Before you kill someone make sure they aren't your father. 9a. ...and be sure to teach your children proper English. 10. Watch out for Corellian freighters diving out of the sun. 11. Know the difference between power socket and a computer terminal. 12. THIS one goes there, and THAT one goes there! 13. No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that pole on that forest moon, don't grab it; it's probably a trap. (Or: when you see a piece of deadmeat impaled on a stake in the woods, LEAVE IT!!!!!!!!!) 14. Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless you can prove you're a god. 15. Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit. 16. No disintegrations. 17. Fire on a rebel base *before* they blow up your space station. 18. Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with lightning bolts. 19. Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side. 20. You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. 21. No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always hope for redemption. 22. Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one more. 23. Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More often than not, "she's got it where it counts." 24. Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion." You just may end up eating those words. 25. Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy. 26. It's never my fault. 27. Never judge anything by its size. 28. There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader. 29. It's not a lie, it's just someone else's point of view. 30. Always let a Wookie win. 31. Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it 32. It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while meditating. 33. Nothing is ever to small to get away from you. (R2 in ANH) 34. Whining about something never helps. (Tosche Station in ANH) 35. Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspision. (ANH) 36. Don't leave your food out for others to eat. (ROTJ) 37. Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you. (Chewie in ANH) (Or: NEVER try to put binders on someone who is 7'2", big, furry and has big teeth!!!) 38. It is not always neccessary to ignore the annoying. (3PO in ESB) 39. Always pay off your debts in a hurry. 40. If your in it just for the money, you might blow your chances with the princess. 41. It is pointless to argue with family members. (Owen in ANH) 42. In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy. (Or Thermal detonators make bargaining so much easier; you usually get what you want.(Never argue with some one who's holding a thermal detonator!) Always carry a thermal detonator when bargaining with a Hutt.) 43. Be cautious of "friends" offering refreshments. 44. If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them. 45. DON'T go in no CAVES! 46. Watch your hands when swordfighting. 47. Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem. 48. Wading around in a pool of garbage is infinitely more preferable to getting killed. 49. Electricity really *hurts*. 50. The most important part of your spaceship is the hyperdrive. 51. Maybe we SHOULD listen to the protocol droid just this once... 52. Pay your debts on time, you can't always kill the bill collector. 53. Walk in single file to hide your numbers. 54. When buying used appliances make sure they've been totally mind wiped...er... reconditioned. 55. When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure the door's completely open before going through it. 56. Trust yourself. 57. Never tell someone the odds! 58. Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid. 59. Always accept apologies. 60. When offered promotion under duress, it might be wise to make like a tree and get outta there! 61. Never trust a spokesman for an alcoholic malt beverage. (Or: Don't trust people who appear in Colt .45 commercials. Or: NEVER accept an invitation to have a drink or eat with MR. Colt 45 himself--it may just be a setup.) 62. Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a blaster at your side. 63. Never let your friend know if you're having problems with your droid. 64. Never assume that carbonating someone is "all too easy". 65. Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you'll be careful. 66. Just when you think you're ready, you hit your head. 67. When you protest about the terms of an agreement, the terms might be altered further. 68. You never know what a day is gonna bring.... 69. After spending several months in deep-frost, your vision will be blurry. 70. When in doubt, follow the garbage. 71. Size matters not (now there's one you can use in real life!) 72. Never underestimate a teddy-bear 73. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." 74. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can." 75. Even if it's a great shot, don't get cocky. 76. Don't intimidate, annoy, or otherwise attack any kind of old man, or his friends, who has what appears to be a flashlight hanging from his waist. 77. Never build a secret base in cold, arctic regions. 78. Be prepared for things to go wrong. 79. Never let a protocol droid try to fix your ship!!!! 80. Never trust a strange computer. 81. You'll always have a bad feeling about somethiing. 82. Don't park in asteroids. 83. Bacta cures all. 84. Don't try to make friends via the Death Star com-link (Han Solo only) 85. Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens 86. If "the Force is strong in this one" and you're not, BACK OFF! 87. The targeting computer is really a worthless piece of junk compared to the Force. 88. The Dark Side is never irrevocable. (ask Darth, Mara, and Kyp) 89. Never say "watch this" when dealing with a hyperdrive. 90. When bragging about how fast your car is, tell how many "kilometers" you did the DC run in..... 91. Always change the negative power coupling before going on long space voyages. 92. Remember to TURN ON YOUR COMLINK!!!! 93. Don't shoot out the controls to a bridge BEFORE you cross the bridge (stupid farm boy!!!!!!) 94. Make sure to tell your lover that you have a brother first. 95. Never tell a teacher who's been teaching for 800 years who to teach and who not to teach. 96. "It's not my fault!!!" 97. Don't ever fake left, you'll lose a hand. 98. If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them inside a dead animal!! 99. Never leave tools hanging over a friends head unless the ship is parked. 100. If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him. 101. When parking your spaceship, make sure you aren't in the stomach of a huge worm-like monster. 102. If all else fails, angle the deflector shields. 103. Never buy droids. 104. If you ever buy droids, make sure they have a good motivator. 105. If a R2 unit proves to have a bad motivator, do not buy another one. 106. If you really have to buy one, then do NOT remove his restraining bolt. 107. If, in spite of all that, you have removed the restraining bolt, then you will have to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like yourfather. (even if you only wanted to be a mere space pilot) 108. Guys in black are bad guys. 109. Guys in white can also be bad guys (in this case, they are called stormtroopers). 110. Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they will always cause you trouble ("This droid must be safely delivered to Alderaan", "You will go to the Dagobah system", "The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi") 111. Watch out for those trees. 112. After toppling an altrustic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through. 113. Always duck after throwing someone down a ventilation shaft. 114. If you run a military academy, go over how to deal with small, furry opponents. 115. Don't jump down garbage chutes. 116. If your father's clothes creak when he walks, be diplomatic in his presence. 117. If you've "always know" that she's your sister, you should really try not to touch her like that. For that matter, don't French your brother. 118. Don't engage in physical displays of affection with tall, hairy people who could rip you limb from limb and who get over-enthusiastic. 119. The hard part of a jail-break is getting out; plan for it. 120. Always look for trap doors when consulting with a crime lord in his own house. 121. Whining about power converters makes you look like an idiot. 122. Don't buy used machinery from people dressed in rags, you never know who might come looking for it. 123. Don't trust people who brag about the speed of their vehicle to be subtle, and don't trust them with your sister, either. 124. NEVER do a Christmas special. 125. If you teach out of a swamp, you can't expect too much in the way of tuition. 126. People who are "more machine now than human, evil and twisted" set a pretty sparse table. 127. If you're idea of penetrating the enemy's defenses is allowing yourself to be captured and attacking during your execution, you should probably seek the advice of someone who's survived longer. 128. If somebody cuts your hand off, don't trust him to betray his boss for you. 129. Young men should be wary of getting involved with crazy, old hermits who like to be called "Master." 130. Dead animals usually smell worse on the INSIDE 131. If you find Banthas, don't stick around to see where their riders are. 132. Cold weather can cause one to hallucinate. 133. Don't go chasing falling meteors. 134. Make sure you always see where your enemies hands are (Greedo in ANH) 135. Blowing on a torch will not put it out. 136. Don't stick around to watch a fight. 137. Droids don't taste good. 138. Don't use technology you don't understand (Ewoks w/ AT-ST, speeder bike). 139. No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will still hurt. 140. When following a roguish space pirate into the east corridor (or wherever), step onto a plank when he stops to listen to you so you'll be a little taller. 141. Keep the Mynocks off the power cables and everything will be fine. 142. Never trust strangers to fix the hyperdrive on your freighter. 143. Never assume that that ship you just tractored into your space station is empty, just because your sensors say so. 144. When the people around you are getting shot, it's usually an indication that the guys shooting are bad guys. (take a look at the reactions of the troopers in the cell bay in ANH) 145. Never try to rationalize strategy with an Ewok. Next thing you know, they'll steal a speeder bike. Sure, it distracts the guards, but it takes away from you sneaking in real quiet-like. 146. Never chain a Rebel to you and then take your eyes off her; she may throttle you. 147. Aim your crippled fighter at the nearest Super Star Destroyer's bridge. 148. Never assume responsibility if it means you're likely to be choked to death. 149. That green glop your aunt serves you at dinner is good for you. (ANH) 150. Don't talk to strangers in a dark room: they may have blasters, and are looking to not be found (ESB). 151. Pray Lord Vader doesn't alter a deal any further than he already has. Chances are he will, but arguing is a good way to get you killed. 152. When someone tells you you're walking into a trap... believe them. 153. When your Tauntaun smells something, it's usually a good time to high-tail it outta there. 154. Always convince your astromech droid to not try to restraining green senior citizens with big ears; they may start banging on you with their Gimer stick. 155. When someone says they knew your father was a great warrior, it usually means something important. Take notice: they just gave you one hell of a big hint about who they are. (sheesh, these farmboys today...) 156. Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means making things more dramatic. 157. When the guy from 156 gets cut down, try not to stand around screaming. Try blasting something... like a door. 158. Don't turn your back on the parent of the kid you're zapping with lightning bolts. 159. If the guy you love announces he's leaving, don't say something like "That's right." 160. Make sure you aren't so fat you can't get away from an exploding Sail Barge. 161. If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him into the hyperdrive. Either that or just shut him off. 162. Try not to fly side-by-side when flying through a narrow passage. (ANH & ESB) 163. If you've got a malfunction you can't do much good to anyone, so clear out of the attack on that giant space station. 164. When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea. 165. Never try to blast a garbage compactor's walls---they are magnetically sealed!!!!! 166. I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!!! 167. Don't ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss!!!!! 168. If someone tries to roast you over an open fire--try to blow it out. 169. Let go of your conscious self and rely on instinct!!!! 170. The target area is ONLY two meters wide!!!!! 171. Pay off your debts ASAP. 172. Never underestimate the powers of any Jedi (or the Force for that matter). 173. (Corollary to 172) If a Jedi offers you a bargain, TAKE IT!! 174. You shouldn't always listen to your parents. 175. When having your hyperdrive fixed, you should always check it to make sure the work has actually been done. 176. Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green Muppets. 177. You really should fire on lifepods whether there are signs of life or not (to stormtroopers only). 178. When a Hutt tells you that your Jedi mind tricks won't work, believe him. 179. When you say that you are "ready for anything," actually be ready for anything (like two guys trying to pick a fight). 180. If your ship is bigger than a city, don't bring it into an asteroid field. 181. Don't give into your anger. 182. Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking. 183. Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall decoration. 184. Never torture a power droid... 185. You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a language that only you understand. 186. Don't taunt those on the Dark Side of the Force. 187. Sometimes it is better not to apologize or take the blame. 188. Make sure that you can see clearly before firing a blaster. 189. When pulled over by "the man", simply say, you don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along. It works everytime, I guarantee it!!! 190. If you ever build a throne room, NEVER put a great big shaft leading to a big nuclear reactor right in the center of the room. 191. Never make your droids OR your sister do your dirty work!!! 192. It is not wise to upset a Wookiee. 193. "A party of two can be very effective in chasing down a squad of stormtroopers." 194. When you are told to close the blast doors, DON'T DO IT!" 195. "Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm." 196. When rescuing someone formulate an escape plan _before_ you attempt the rescue. 197. No reward is worth rescuing a girl, princess or not, who leads you into garbage and calls your best friend and first mate a "walking carpet". 198. Never trust anyone when they say, "The hyperdrive is fixed!" 199. If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay him. 200. Never accept a job that reports directly to Darth Vader. 201. Armor just makes you easier to hit. 202. Get in that chute, flyboy! 203. Buying someone a drink won't stop them from trying to fight you. 204. Don't judge someone by their bad grammer. 205. An entire planet could have only one climate (Tatooine, Hoth, Endor). 206. Beware of tremors in the Force. 207. Protocol droids are lousy story tellers. 208. Apparently one human would be able to feed an entire tribe of Ewoks. 209. It's difficult to send a clear transmission in an asteroid field. 210. When travelling at intense speeds, don't turn around an look behind you. 211. A lightsaber can cut through anything (from Taun-taun to AT-AT). 212. The Force can influence the weak-minded. 213. The handle of a lightsaber looks an awful lot like a flashlight. 214. Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used. (ANH) 215. Try not to get caught under the legs of an AT-AT. 216. Imperial probe droids have a self destruct mechanism. 217. If you do not believe, you will always fail. 218. Tennis shoes make great fighting ships. (ROTJ) 219. Stormtroopers seem to have inferior training and armor. 220. Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it: Emperor - overconfident Luke - friends Death Star - thermal exhaust port Stormtroppers - Ewoks Star Destoyers - bridge deflector shields Darth Vader - compasion for his kids Leia - smugglers Chewie - dead animals hanging from trees Threepio - frail body 221. Bottom line, the first time you fight your father, he IS going to kick your sorry ass. 222. When flying objects come at you from behind, for Pete's sake, DUCK!!!!!! 223. When stealing a skiff, MAKE SURE it's the one with the magnetic thingies on the bottom!!! 224. If you are ever in a duel, and you get in a tight spot, grab the nearest pipe and blow smoke in their face-----never fails. 225. Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!! 226. Blasting a prison into a ballistic trajectory as a means of escape is not a good idea. (HSASE) 227. If you get an unwanted phone call, shoot the phone. 228. Never let Mr. GQ smooth borrow your vehicle, especially after he says not a scratch. 229. If you build a Death Star and some farm boy blows it up, just build a new one!!!!!!! 230. If you see a small blue elephant at a party, you haven't necessarily drunk too much. 231. Watch out for stormtroopers that are a little short. 232. Your Tauntaun'll freeze before you reach the first marker. 233. ...But if so, then I'll see you in hell! 234. The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for heroics. 235. A ill-trained, uncoordinated, rabble with obselete ships and weapons (Rebels) would always beat well equipped, superbly trained and numerically superior forces(Empire) :) 236. Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots then Imperial stormtroopers. 237. When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not. 238. When in doubt, go in full throttle. 239. Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you might end up losing an appendage. 240. When sending troops out to a jungle world, MAKE SURE they are all wearing black and white, so nobody can see them. 241. Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things! 242. Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where you are and what you are doing. 243. Don't ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow eyes and shoots lightning out of his own body. 244. Never say to someone, "where are you taking this---THING---?" b/c the next thing you know, you're flying across the room. 245. Stay on target!!!! 246. Keep your distance, but don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your distance. (In other words, fly casual.) 247. When purchasing a protocol droid, remember, at some point some assembly may be required. 248. When based on an ice planet, don't turn on the thermal heaters. 249. "Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly." 250. "Never stand at the edge of a step when an R2 unit turns on its holo projector." 251. "Never be next to Han Solo when you are trapped in a garbage compactor, cockpit of the MF while in a space slug, or when shot at the back entrance of a shield control center." 252. "Never listen to your squad commander when he tells you to 'stay on target' and Darth vader is chasing you in a TIE fighter." 253. "It is a good idea to have a wing man named 'Janson'." 254. "If you are a droid, be sure to have you deactivator put on your front side, not behind your neck." 255. "Always follow the advice of an aide with long sideburns." 256. If you only knew the power of the dark side, you would not have been in this ridiculous position! 257. Make sure your first catch of the day isn't backed up by a really big ion cannon. 258. Don't be thinking about your sister during a big fight with Dad. 259. The galaxy is ruled by GONK (or, at least rec.arts.sf.starwars is ruled by GONK). 260. Make sure your rocket pack isn't set to go off at the slightest touch before leaping into battle. 261. When you're with a woman you like, never get too obnoxious, or she'll French the next nearest guy (even if it's her brother). 262. No matter how cool a guy's helmet looks, push him off a high place and he'll scream like a girl. 263. "Travel through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops." 264. Bury your feelings deep. (They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor.) 265. Your insight serves you well. 266. Try to keep a little optimism--especially if you're endangering a mission that you shouldn't have come on. 267. Just "hold on" when your pilot tells you to. (Dak didn't hold on. Look what happened to him!) 268. Remember, your strength *flows* from the Force. 269. Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny. 270. You can't escape your destiny. 271. If you buy equipment out of the back of a guy's vehicle, chances are,someone will come looking for it. 272. If you buy stolen equipment, make damn sure it can't be traced to you. 273. Cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal popularity 274. The only thing worse than working for a Hutt crimelord is working for a Dark Lord of the Sith. 275. When rescuing a princess, insist on payment in advance. 276. When chasing X-wings down trenches, look behind you in case their friends help them. 277. When a Wookiee says he smells something scary, believe him. 278. Fly only ships that have harpoon cable shooters in the front. (ESB) 279. Be sure your ship uses "quick release" seat belts. (ESB) 280. Fly only X-wings that float in case you land in a swamp. (ESB) 281. Do your explaining BEFORE you remove the handcuffs off of a Wookiee.(ESB) 282. Fly your speeder bike ABOVE the trees in a forest. (ROTJ) 283. Leave the spying to Bothans. (ROTJ) 284. Old Jedi never die, they just fade away. 285. Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you're trying to secretly make it back to a smugglers ship. 286. Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. 287. You must do what you feel is right. 288. Watch that crossfire, boys!!! 289. Always get them to put their hands ON the table . . . . 290. Go to the escape shuttle when told that "The attack plan has been analysed, and there is a risk". 291. Make sure the asteroid is entirely stable before you land your ship on it. 292. Do not _ever_ be late with payments! 293. Smuggling compartments can also be great sub-lets. 294. You cant estimate anything that deals with the Force. 295. Do or do not... there is no try. 296. Patience... you must have Patience! 297. Don't question the ability of rocks and sticks to kill with. 298. Sometimes you don't have to say "I love you". 299. Nothing can happen without a Bothan spy dying. 300. It's never your fault 301. Never underestimate the power of the dark side. 302. These ARE the droids you are looking for, you idiots! 303. If you ever fall into a murky swamp with strange things swimming in it, make sure you're made of metal. 304. When you're kissing the princess, lock the door. 305. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers, and they are rather inaccurate with blasters. 306. Remember to keep the lead actress's character and real name straight!! 307. You must feel the Force flowing through you. Let go of your feelings. 308. Try no to park you Chariot LAV under a stone structure that can be toppled by a lightsaber (HTTE) 309. When attemptng to launch a rock by twirling it over your head,then releasing it, be sure you know how to do it right (note to Wicket in ROTJ). 310. Those robot mice are pests. Trap them in mousetraps and save yourself the hassle. Bits and bytes make good bait. 311. Even if the Old Man does tell you to leave his throne room, it's usually a good idea to stick around, out of sight: you never know when someone will throw him down a large shaft. (note to Royal Guards) 312. Don't try storming an Imperial base unless all of the troopers have been accounted for. 313. Stay away from crazy old hermits. 314. Don't argue with your friends when they tell you to get into an escape pod. 315. Don't use targeting computers; rely on the voice of an old man inside your head. 316. When fighting a Corellian, 10 to 1 odds aren't in your favour (ANH). 317. When your protocol droid tries to tell you there is something wrong with your YT-1300 freighter, listen to them. 318. If all else fails, drive headlong into an asteroid field. 319. When your shield generator is hit, intensify forward shields a.s.a.p.: you never know when a ship may crash into your bridge. 320. Get on board the Executor if possible. Chances are Lord Vader will choke your superior to death and give you the job. 321. Never call bounty hunters scum when they're within earshot. 322. A protocol droid who say's he's not much of a storyteller is a liar. (remember C-3PO in ANH when he's in the oil bath, then in the Ewok village in ROTJ) 323. Make sexually tilted lines whenever possible. "Look at the size of that thing!" 324. Adjoinder to #324: Cut the chatter, Red Two. 325. Humans roasted over an open fire make for great feasts. 326. Thermal detonators make bargaining so much easier; you usually get what you want. (Never argue with some one who's holding a thermal detonator!) 327. The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded. 328. When someone tells you that you look good enough to pull the ears off the gundark, your sister will kiss you with tongue shortly thereafter!!!!!! 329. When two real scary guys in a bar (who look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit EVERY branch on the way down) tell you they don't like you, RUN!!!!!!! 330. Wampas blend in really, really well with snow. 331. You should always listen to a Jedi master when they tell you something; they probably know what they are talking about. 332. Corollary to above--Even Jedi can make mistakes sometimes. 333. It is impossible for a computer to hit a target that is only two meters wide. and finally the most important ones....we all wish we could have lived "A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away." Never underestimate the power of a Star Wars fan...finally.... The Force is always with me...
--------------------------------- Explanation of Shit THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT No explanation required. --------------------------------- Exploratory Surgery A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anesteisia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. "So tell me Doc, what is did you find out?". The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea ,so???" replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts." "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?" "We put them under your pillow ..." ---------------------------------


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