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Elephant Jokes Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway. A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way. Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks. Q: How do you make an elephant fly? A: Start with a 3 foot zipper. Q: What is the height of ambition? A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape. Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie? A: Look what I just stepped in! Q: What do elephants use for condoms? A: Snakes. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic pygmies. Q: What do elephants use as tampons? A: Sheep. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: Sheep don't have strings. Q: Why does an elephant have four feet? A: Because ten inches isn't enough. Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. Q: What is an elephant's sex organ? A: His foot... If he steps on you you're screwed! Q: What did the female elephant say during sex? A: "Can I be on top this time? " Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man? A: Cute, but can you breathe through it? Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off! Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? A: Very attractive. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard? A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag! Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes? A: Swim for your life! Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need? A: A blow job. Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees? A: Elephant boogers. Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? A: Grab a pail. Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? A: An elephant's foreskin. Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin? A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase. Q: Where do you find elephants? A: It depends on where you lost them. Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast. Q: Why do elephants live in herds? A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes. Q: Why do elephants float on their backs? A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet. Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..? A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe! Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi? A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back) Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi? A: None, it's full of elephants. Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi? A: Squash. Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house? A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it. Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator? A: Open door, put elephant in, close door. Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator? A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door. Q: How can you tell when there's been an elephant in your refrigerator? A: Footprints in the butter. Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator? A: Blue tennis shoes are left outside. Q: How can you tell when there are two elephants in you refrigerator? A: It's rather hard to close the door. Q:How can you tell when there've been four elephants in your refrigerator? A:There's a taxi waiting outside. Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all. Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? A: Sir. Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? A: Anything you want, it can't hear you. Q: Why do elephants drink so much? A: To try to forget. Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow? A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant? A: You can't get the toilet seat down. Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees? A: They sit on an acorn and wait. Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees? A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn. Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat? A: They walk under trees in Autumn. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient! Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees. Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? A: It was glued to the first one. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? A: It thought it was a game. Q: And why did the tree fall down? A: It thought it was an elephant. Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping. Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. Q: Why are the pygmies so small? A: They can't tell time! Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way? A: To fit on lily pads. Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon? A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads. Q: Why are frogs so short? A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon. Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? A: You miss most of the picture! Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole? A: Cold ones. Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds? A: An elephant six-pack. Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes? A: For carrying their library cards. Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? A: From playing marbles... Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a gorilla? A: A sore gorilla. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole! Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all over Australia. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a whale? A: A submarine with built-in snorkel. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: Elephino. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A: A two-ton pickup. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler. Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A: None of the offspring survived. Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes? A: "Gezundheit." Q: What's the gook between elephant's toenails? A: Slow natives. Q: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge? A: He asks if you accept Visa. Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks. Q: Why do elephants travel in herds? A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep. Q: What looks like an elephant and flies? A: A flying elephant. Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant? A: Grapes are purple. Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're color blind? A: Dance on it for awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant. Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1 Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill? A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them. Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw giraffes with sunglasses on coming over the hill? A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!" Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Hannibal coming over the hill? A: Nothing, elephants can't talk. Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in sunglasses coming down the path? A: Voila les elephants. Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill? A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill". She was colourblind. Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? A: About three thousand miles. Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox? A: You don't know? I'll never give you a letter to post! Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two? A: Feed the elephant. Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out burning ducks!! Q: Why do giraffes have long necks? A: To spit on burning elephants!! Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires? A: Smokey the Elephant. Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats? A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved. Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish? A: So they can hide in a pea patch. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange? A: So they can hide in smartie boxes. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? A: No? Well, it must work then. Q: By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard? A: It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide... Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red? A: to hide in cherry trees. Q: How did Tarzan die? A: Picking cherries. Q: What makes the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Monkeys eating the cherries. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A: It's bike is outside. Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car! Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car? A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car! Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car! Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: There are no yellow elephants. Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water? A: Wet. Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water? A: One by one. Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A: Sole use of the elevator. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis? A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose? Q: How do you run over an elephant? A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down its trunk. Q: How do you get down off an elephant? A: You don't. You get down off a duck. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So that they don't sink in the sand. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft? A: A-flat minor. Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp? A: A-flat major. Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble? A: Stuff a bale of hay in it. Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble? A: One straw at a time. Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs. Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, but you need a real big bulb. Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. ( Noddy, Big Ears, get it? ) Q: What is grey and lights up? A: An electric elephant. Q: What is grey, has big ears, and a trunk? A: A mouse going on holidays! Q: Dow do you stop a herd of elephants from charging? A: Take away their credit-cards. Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys. Q: What sound do monkeys hate most? A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Q: Why do elephants need trunks? A: Because they don't have glove compartments. Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases. Q: What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? A: An elephant going on vacation. Q: What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A: The same elephant, coming back from vacation. Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? A: To trip low flying canaries. Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? A: He wasn't laying on his back. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: Chicken's day off. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: To pick up the squashed chicken. Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth? A: The same way he got in. Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles? A: Ever tried to iron an elephant? Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? A: Take out all the matches first. Q: What does an elephant smell like before he takes a shower? A: An elephant. Q: What does an elephant smell like after he takes a shower? A: A wet elephant. Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains? A: Passengers. Q: What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar? A: Ouch. Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis? A: You wouldn't either if you'd ever gotten an olive stuck up your nose. Q: Where do baby elephants come from? A: Big storks. Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside? A: An inside out elephant. Q: What is grey and not there. A: No elephants. Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins. Q: Why are elephants wrinkled? A: Have you ever tried to iron one? Q: How many legs does an elephant have? A: Four, two in the front, two in the back. Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A: Optimistic! Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A: Free Parking. Q: Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air? A: So they can trip birds. Q: What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street? A: Sir! Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey? A: So you can tell them from bluebirds. Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles? A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell. Q: How do you make an elephant float? A: Take two scoops of ice-cream, coca cola and one elephant. Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming? A: They only have one pair of trunks between them. Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl? A: Because they were wet! Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats? A: Who says they don't like them? Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. Q: Why do elephants live in herds? A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes. Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch". Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway? A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world) Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? A: They're all on the same team. Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed? A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the bear. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers? A: Cinderelephant. Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical? A: Trunkquilizers. Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants? A: The Tusk Fairy. Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go? A: Pachydermatologists. Q: How do elephants talk to each other? A: By 'elephone. Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside? A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup. Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? A: An elephant with spare parts.  |