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--------------------------------- F.B.I. The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!" --------------------------------- Family History Jack Schitt is the only son of Aw Schitt the fertilizer king and Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeepin Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had six kids. Their first little Schitt, Holy Schitt, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Then another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have one son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horse Schitt. Bill Schitt married an Italian girl, Pisa Schitt and they had a baby named Hawg Schitt. They divorced and she remarried a man named Head. She now goes by the name of Schitt-Head. If you have read this far and don't know who these people are, you probably don't know Jack Schitt --------------------------------- Fly Away During the Religious Education class, Sister Mary asked the 4th Graders. "All right class, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first? Little Johnny is the 1st one with his hand up! "Doris", says Sister Mary," why don't you tell us what YOU think is the first part of your body that goes to Heaven!" "Well Sister Mary, I think that it is your hands because when we pray-all hands are pointing to heaven" A very nice answer-Thank You Doris" says Sister Mary. "Who wants to go next?" says Sister Mary. Little Johnny has his hand up first again! Then Sister mary says "Michael- tell the class what part of your body goes to Heaven first". "Sister Mary, I think that it is our eyes, whenwe pray we look at heaven-so it must be the eyes!" "That's another nice answer-Thank You Michael" Sister Mary comments. Okay children, we only have time for one more answer. By now Little Johnny is half standing up and waving his hand high in the air. "All right Johnny, why don't you tell us what body part YOU feel goes to Heaven first. "It's definately your feet Sister. There's no doubt about it!" "Your feet Johnny? I'm afraid that you are going to have to explain THAT one! remarks Sister Mary. "Well Sister, when I walked by my Parent's bedroom, their door was open and I could see in the room real good. My Mother was laying on her back. Her feet were HIGH in the air. They were higher than her eyes and they were higher than her hands. And she was yelling "Lord I'm a 'comin!!!!! And she would have too, if my Dad wasn't holding her down!!!!! --------------------------------- Fuzzy One The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish.." ---------------------------------
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