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--------------------------------- Gagging For It! So there's this young couple, Louise & Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant and the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely spannered and unfit for any sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocativey on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers & bra. As is always the case, Al runs upstairs, gets ready and goes down the pub. Once again, Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 10:15 (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Lou re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Als first words are "right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom". "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This *IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!" When Lou reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says "right, now get your kit off!". Lousie doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice. "Now get over in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!', "..and do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages' thinks Lou.. Al walks over to Lou, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me..!" --------------------------------- George The Mailman It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." --------------------------------- Genie A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered. The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?" --------------------------------- Good and Bad News A doctor spoke to his patient in his office. The doctor said "Well, I've got some bad news and some good news." Of course, the guy wanted to hear the bad news first (don't they always). The doctor bluntly said, "You've got about 48 hours to live." The man was devistated, "Oh my god, this is horrible, what am I going to do?" Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembered that there was good news, too. "Doc, is there a cure or something?" "Cure, of course not, otherwise I wouldn't have told you that you only have 48 hours left. No, I'm sorry, there's no cure or treatment." "But I thought you said there was good news." said the patient "Oh yeah. Remember when you came in, the beautiful nurse?" Asked the doctor. "Yeah," the puzzled patient said. "The blonde one with the tight white uniform.." "Yeah," the patient agrees. "The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out of that uniform..." "Yeahhhhh," the patient remembers and is starting to cheer up. "Well," the doctor leans close to confide, "I'm fucking her." --------------------------------- Good, Bad, Worse... Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47. Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's thirteen. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video. Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. --------------------------------- Good Place to Eat... Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch. One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house' . They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime." The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?" "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon." --------------------------------- Gravy Ladle In France, the assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper than met the eye. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional ... that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle." ---------------------------------
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