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--------------------------------- Head Cure A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too..and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help". "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house." --------------------------------- Health Care A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!" The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know." Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said. The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her." --------------------------------- Henry Ford and Adam in Heaven Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women. Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him. When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. "Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there is beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs. "Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours." --------------------------------- Horoscopes AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot. ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice. You are a prick. TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed shit. You're probably a fucking communist. GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bastard, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a shit. LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are thick arseholes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bastards who kiss mirrors a lot. VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. This shitpicking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D. SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Saggitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucking things up. CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basic chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself. -------------------------------- How to Grow Beautiful Tomatoes... Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!" ---------------------------------

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