Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "I" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
---------------------------------
I Like The Way Your Thinking
Little James was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked on him to answer a question.
"James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied James, "because I would shoot one and the rest
would fly away."
"Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher,
"but I like the way you are thinking."
Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting
the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure. I
guess the one sucking the cone..."
"No," said Little James, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!"
---------------------------------
I'm Glad I'm a Man!
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
---------------------------------
I'm Glad I'm a Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
---------------------------------
Indian Fruit...
People in the east prize virginity as highly
as do people from the west. so when one lass was
due to give it away officially, she was quite disturbed
about flunking in the test.....enough to confess to mum
(ammi) that she had not always kept her legs crossed...
which is no small achievement considering how
closely guarded women are in the east......
since the family honor was not be comprised, ammi told
her daughter to stuff in an apple and 'he' (in the shy
east females never even mention the names of their men
even if they are only formally engaged) would never
know.
so the bridal night passed away in the routine eastern
manner of lot of sweat and difficulty...
early in the morning our lass wakes up and yanks the
apple out and placing it on the dresser go about
getting a bathe and doing the usual things like lighting
a incence stick...
later the lazy groom pops out of bed stretches and starts
towards the bathroom.. . on the way he sees the apple
on the dresser and takes a bit to the dismay of his bride..
shortly, ammi calls up to find how her daughter had passed
the night and the girl wails...oh ammi! i left the apple
on the dresser in the morning and 'he' ate it. what am i
to do..will he be harmed?
to which ammi replies..hush silly girl your abba (dad in
the east) ate a melon.
---------------------------------
Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most
terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding
itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and
inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide
for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is
the wedding night,during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak,
by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young
women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and
pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily
take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never
be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.
Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of
sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at
best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has
been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the
monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in
most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual
initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his
bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring,
such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride
will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the
first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to
reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends
in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very
effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband
would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert
for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures
of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts
to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month
by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many
wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the
ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this
time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to
hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if
given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting
practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act
in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile
bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories
about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are
the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her
unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.
Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total
darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns
for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in
separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum
of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should
lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into
the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction,
lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in
the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some
slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When
he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on
her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic
husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so
that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss
her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss
her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring
from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will
generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the
husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will
suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he
answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it
may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual
contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife
will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only
permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She
will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing
and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under
any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as
the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him
about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men
obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful
exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that
there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be
encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that
the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working
together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in
regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch
apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The
wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first
to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual
expression.
---------------------------------
