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--------------------------------- I Like The Way Your Thinking Little James was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked on him to answer a question. "James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because I would shoot one and the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure. I guess the one sucking the cone..." "No," said Little James, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!" --------------------------------- I'm Glad I'm a Man! I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west I don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear, I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball It's more fun than dealing with women after all I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery I don't get all bitchy every 28 days I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! --------------------------------- I'm Glad I'm a Woman I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! --------------------------------- Indian Fruit... People in the east prize virginity as highly as do people from the west. so when one lass was due to give it away officially, she was quite disturbed about flunking in the test.....enough to confess to mum (ammi) that she had not always kept her legs crossed... which is no small achievement considering how closely guarded women are in the east...... since the family honor was not be comprised, ammi told her daughter to stuff in an apple and 'he' (in the shy east females never even mention the names of their men even if they are only formally engaged) would never know. so the bridal night passed away in the routine eastern manner of lot of sweat and difficulty... early in the morning our lass wakes up and yanks the apple out and placing it on the dresser go about getting a bathe and doing the usual things like lighting a incence stick... later the lazy groom pops out of bed stretches and starts towards the bathroom.. . on the way he sees the apple on the dresser and takes a bit to the dismay of his bride.. shortly, ammi calls up to find how her daughter had passed the night and the girl wails...oh ammi! i left the apple on the dresser in the morning and 'he' ate it. what am i to do..will he be harmed? to which ammi replies..hush silly girl your abba (dad in the east) ate a melon. --------------------------------- Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night,during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression. ---------------------------------
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