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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
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weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give
you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this
weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to
give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st
one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/ \
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O
__
/ \
\__/
"I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before
prison......"
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for
a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited
hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day
and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought
her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously
waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee,
and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little
green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
Joey had heard a family rumor that his father, his grand-father and even
his great-grandfather, all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
Well today was his 21st birthday and if they could do it, so could he.
So, off he went in a boat with his friend Eric. When he got out in the
middle of the lake, he got up and stepped out of the boat....and damn
near drowned.
The next day, Joey asked his grandmother why he wasn't given the same
gift as the others in his family. The grandmother told him that his
father, grand-father and great-grandfather had all been born in
February...not in August as was he.
