Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "M" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
----------------------------------
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element Man
Symbol Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be
as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
craving for ribs)
Occurrence Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
---------------------------------
Man I'm Glad I'm a Man
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Well you all got the Guy Stuff recently and here's the reply for the
Ladies. So ladies enjoy and guys we know none of the following is
true though, but we'll let them have their fun.
---------------------------------
Men and Women
HOW MEN AND WOMEN DIFFER.....
SIMPLY PUT...WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE.....
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged.
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as
the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all
men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.
Men always seem to be sure they have met the "one". Women on the
other hand always think that there's going to be a better "one" coming
along.
Men spend all their best efforts to catch the girl and then they lose
interest when the hunt is over. Women don't have any interest in the
man who is chasing her, but then they spend all their best efforts
keeping the relationship together when it starts!
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function
as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of sexy women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of sexy women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Most of men's bodies elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's"
with circles and hearts.
Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "q's." It is a
royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited;
they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their
eyes and groan and wait it out.
Women will laugh at the antics of characters who remind them of men
they know. The men will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and
a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress
shoes. 5 minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under
the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for
the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man in vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles,
that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on
the back.
EATING OUT:
and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters,
Joe Garagiola's head.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
home she will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and,
"I know I'm in the general neighborhood, I recognize that 7-11
store"
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails
on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.
GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
WORK SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her
feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
OTHER SHOES:
Women have millions of shoes, one for every outfit.
Men have millions of shoes, one for every sport or athletic activity.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses
Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when the entire 3rd floor of the research lab blows up
but the terminator drives out in "Terminator II".
In general, women like movies with more romance than competition and
violence (which they call "Male Testosterone Movies"). Men like
movies with more competition and violence than romance (which they
call "Chick Flicks").
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more
than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of
nicknames. If Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and
Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and
Useless.
HAIRCUTS:
For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment,
go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter.
For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair
styles, colorings and lengths must be considered. The only
hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole
process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides
from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes
her new haircut.
SPORTS:
Women like sports that are judged on grace and beauty, such as
gymnastics and figure skating.
Men like sports that are judged on physical aggression and violence,
such as football, hockey and boxing. Any man caught doing gymnastics
or figure skating would be labelled a pansy, sissy, or "that" guy.
There are no sports that both men and women enjoy. Full contact
gymnastics never got off the ground.
---------------------------------
Men Throughout Their Ages
Mens Values by Lifestage
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
68 Maalox
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
68 My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
68 napping
AGE DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
68 coke, a limousine, the company jet
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't bump into her kids."
68 "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking his company public
68 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE SAYS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 68
68 17
---------------------------------
Man With a Bad Stomach
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what
he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can
be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man
agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over
and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a
second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly
to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what
to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and
with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams,
"DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
---------------------------------
Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to
find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When
he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She
said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents
and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he
was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in
the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid
said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will
make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven
times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him
in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there
he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if
you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son
replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was
somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not
twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing
to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a
row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
---------------------------------
Miracles
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she becomes pregnant and
they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she
is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've
operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a
miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and
says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest.
"What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the
operation,"insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About
fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the
truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell
you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my
father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
---------------------------------
Mouse Balls
IBM's Mouse Balls Standardization....
This is an actual alert for IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote this was very serious.
The rest of us find it rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of
the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used
immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse
---------------------------------
