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WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES
 "I can't find it."
       Really means....
    "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
    clueless."
    
    "What did I do this time?"
       Really means....
    "What did you catch me at?"
    
    "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
       Really means....
    "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
    
    "She's one of those rabid feminists."
       Really means....
    "She refused to make my coffee."
    
    "But I hate to go shopping."
       Really means....
    "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your
    purse."
    
    "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
       Really means....
    "You may actually get it to start."
    
    "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
       Really means....
    "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my
    chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
    
    "I heard you."
       Really means....
    "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
    desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
    next 3 days yelling at me."
    
    "You know I could never love anyone else."
       Really means....
    "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
    
    "You look terrific."
       Really means....
    "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm starving."
    
    "I brought you a present."
       Really means....
    "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
    
    "I missed you."
       Really means....
    "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
    toilet paper."
    
    "I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are."
       Really means....
    "No one will ever see us alive again."
    
    "We share the housework."
       Really means....
    "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
    
    "This relationship is getting too serious."
       Really means....
    "I like you more than my truck."
    
    "I recycle."
       Really means....
    "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
    
    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
       Really means....
    "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
    
    "It sure snowed last night."
       Really means....
    "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
    
    "It's good beer."
       Really means....
    "It was on sale."
    
    "I don't need to read the instructions."
       Really means....
    "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
    
    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
       Really means....
    "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
    
    "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
       Really means....
    "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
    
    "I broke up with her."
       Really means....
    "She dumped me."
 
"I'm going fishing."
       Really means...
    "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
    with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
    
    "Let's take your car."
       Really means....
    "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of
    gas."
    
    "Woman driver."
       Really means....
    "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
    has a better driving record than me."
    
    "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
       Really means....
    "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
    mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
    
    "It's a guy thing."
       Really means....
    "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
    no chance at all of making it logical."
    
    "Can I help with dinner?"
       Really means....
    "Why isn't it already on the table?"
    
    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
       Really mean....
    Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
    drooling.
    
    "Good idea."
       Really means....
    "It'll never work.  And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
    
    "Have you lost weight?"
       Really means....
    "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
    
    "My wife doesn't understand me."
       Really means....
    "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
    
    "It would take too long to explain."
       Really means....
    "I have no idea how it works."
    
    "I'm getting more exercise lately."
       Really means....
    "The batteries in the remote are dead."
    
    "I got a lot done."
       Really means....
    "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
    
    "We're going to be late."
       Really means....
    "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
    
    "Hey, I've read all the classics."
       Really means....
    "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
    
    "You cook just like my mother used to."
       Really means....
    "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
    
    "I was listening to you.  It's just that I have things on my mind."
       Really means....
    "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
    
    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
       Really means....
    "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
    
    "That's interesting, dear."
       Really means....
    "Are you still talking?"
    
    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
       Really means....
    "I forgot our anniversary again."
    
    "You expect too much of me."
       Really means....
    "You want me to stay awake."
    
    "It's a really good movie."
       Really means....
    "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear or Pamela Anderson."
    
    "That's women's work."
       Really means....
    "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
    
    "Will you marry me?"
       Really means....
    "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there
    is no more peanut butter."
    
    "Go ask your mother."
       Really means....
    "I am incapable of making a decision."
    
    "You know how bad my memory is."
       Really means....
    "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
    I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
    ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
    
    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
       Really means....
    "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
    
    "Football is a man's game."
       Really means....
    "Women are generally too smart to play it."
    
    "Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
       Really means....
    "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
    admit I'm hurt."
    
    "I do help around the house."
       Really means....
    "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
    
    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
       Really means....
    "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."




WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS

You want = You Want
We Need = I Want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be clear now
Do What You Want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset
You're so... Manly = You need to shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?
I'm not emotional!!! = I have my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
The kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
Hang the picture there = No! Hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and watch the ball game
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk her until
she goes to sleep?
I'm not yelling!= Yes, I'm yelling because I think this is important
THE ANSWER TO "WHATS WRONG?"
The same old thing = Nothing 
Nothing = Everything
Everything = I have PMS
Nothing, really = Its just that you're such an XXXXXXX
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm building up steam

Finally! A Dictionary of common dating terminology ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the XXXXXX morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
a man that she is interested in him. Despite being
advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking
a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

RELATIONSHIPS
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ass "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Rogers policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


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