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------------------------------ New Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, for an atomic number of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemicallly, as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, one reaction that normally requires less than one second was extended to four days by the presence of a minute amount of Administratium. Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies suggest that its atomic mass actually increases in each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. --------------------------------- Used VS New A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table: Your age Used or New ------- ----------- 1-12 years (see note A) 13-16 years New 17-21 years Used, but not used up 22-35 years Used heavily 35-60 years New (see note B) Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced." New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but C.R. advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional. Accessories ----------- Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as long legs) must be factory installed. The Test Ride ------------- When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). C.R. rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool? Ordering vs. On-The-Lot ----------------------- Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and C.R. questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway. Methodology ----------- Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance. Results ------- Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant. Category Comments ------- ---------------------------------------------------- Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. Friend The model with the most empathy. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality. May have many of the characteristics of goddess but in varying degrees. This model may be worth investing some time and seeing what develops. If you decide not to keep this model, you may still have a friend if you play it just right. Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. --------------------------------- Nine Year Old Junior Comes Home From School One Day Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. "Oh, mom," said Junior, "I learned how to fuck today!" Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. "Go talk to YOUR son!" she demands. Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. "Dad, all I told her is that I learned to fuck today," says Junior. "That's my boy!!!!!" dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, "Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I'm gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you're following in your father's footsteps. I'm quite proud of you." The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. "A chip off the old block!" he beams . "Of course, I didn't start till I was ten, but he's already becoming a man!!" Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife's cheek as he rushes up to his son's room. "Well, son," he asks, "did you do it again today???" "Oh, no!" exclaims Junior, "my butt still hurts from yesterday!" --------------------------------- Nose Picking THE KIDDIE PICK.. When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK... When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. FAKE NOSE SCRATCH... When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT... You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. SURPRISE PICKINGS... When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt. AUTOPICK... The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. PICK YOUR BRAINS... Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum. PICK AND SAVE... When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did. PICK AND ROLL... No explanation needed. PICK AND FLICK... Ditto. PICK AND STICK... You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip. PAYDIRT... The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%. --------------------------------- Nude Sunbathing Unable to find a man who liked to sunbathe in the nude, Bridgette took out a personal ad. For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, but he was desperate for a woman and replied. Bridgette invited him to her home, and they spent a long day in her fenced-in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long. He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis. Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the coldest thing in the house; all he could find in the refrigerator was a carton of milk and, pouring some in a glass, he dipped his penis in. Just then, Bridgett strolled in. Seeing Sylvester with his penis in the milk, she slapped her forehead and marveled, "So that's how you load that thing!" --------------------------------- Nuns A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. The he said that he had the key to heaven, and he put it in the gates." "BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years, he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it." --------------------------------- Nuns Night out It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and ran off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." ---------------------------------


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