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--------------------------------- 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. 97. One Word: Hair. (don't think so) 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-wig. 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.(melts ya ray gun 2~) 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, repopulated the Earth's whale population. 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. 81. Kirk was never infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans. 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 74. One Word: Velour. 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise. 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 69. One Word: Iman. 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head. 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 65. Kirk's first officer never tells him to stay on the bridge. 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 59. Kirk is not politically correct. 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead. 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? 54. One Word: Miniskirts. 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts. 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO ____ YOURSELF!" 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 44. Picard never met Joan Collins. 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. 40. Two Words: Line Delivery. 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school. 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 31. One Word: Fisticuffs. 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 20.Two Words: Crane Shots. 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it. 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice. 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes." 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. 10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave. 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign. 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he means it. 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed. 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. 1. One Word: Balls --------------------------------- 105 Reasons why Beer is better than a woman 1. You can enjoy a BEER all month. 2. BEER stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out. 6. BEER is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 9. BEER labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER. 11. BEER never has a headache. 12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a nickel. 13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath. 14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty. 16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a BEER with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER. 19. A BEER is always wet. 20. BEER doesn't demand equality. 21. A BEER doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a BEER in public. 23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 25. BEER always comes in multiples of six. 26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER. 28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. BEER looks the same in the morning. 33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month. 34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. BEER doesn't get cramps. 37. BEER doesn't have a mother. 38. BEER doesn't have morals. 39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. BEER always listens and never argues. 41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year. 42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. BEER doesn't demand equality. 45. BEER is never overweight. 46. If you change BEERS, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards. 48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer. 49. BEER doesn't need much closet space. 50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. BEER never changes its mind. 54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. BEER never asks you to change the station. 56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping. 57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. BEER is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat BEERS are nice to have. 61. BEER doesn't pout or play games. 62. BEER NEVER says no. 63. BEER is easy to get into. 64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERS 66. BEER doesn't wear a bra. 67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. BEER doesn't live with its mother. 71. BEER doesn't blow you off. 72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. BEER doesn't mind football season. 75. A BEER won't make you go to church. 76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 79. A BEER doesn't care if you keep a bunch of other BEERS around. 80. A BEER will not insist that those stupid Michelin commercials with babies are "cute". 81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 83. A BEER won't mind being next to you after 5 straight hours of working on your car. 84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER,it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 88. A BEER won't smoke in your car. 89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission. 91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 2000 Olympic Games. 92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time. 93. A BEER never fishes for compliments. 94. Some BEERS (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. 95. BEER tastes *good*. 96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape". 97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.) 101. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse:"But I saved a quarter!" 102. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson". 103. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like boiled sheetrock with tomatoe sauce. 104. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill. 105. A BEER can't have a "bad hair" day. --------------------------------- 9 Types of Girlfriends 1) Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday 2) Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans 3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious 4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? 5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed 6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs 7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends 8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud 9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you -------------------------------
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