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--------------------------------- Sexism Exam GCSE Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump. Section A (50%) 1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though. 2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes. 3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians. 4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a) Sex Boat b) Three Into One Will Go c) King Dong d) Speared by Zulu Lovers 5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss. Section B (50%) 1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match. 2. Name something a woman has invented. 3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired. 4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lambourghinni Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either. ---------------------------------- Sniglets: Words for Things That Should Have Words But Don't ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. --------------------------------- Software Upgrade Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. --------------------------------- Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Q: Does God know everything? A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase. Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant. Q: What is the role of sinners? A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. Q: Where will I go after I die? A: Onto a DAT tape. Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe? A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion? A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: Is God angry that we crucified him? A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder. Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email. Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a Question. Abort, Retry, Fail? --------------------------------- Star Trek VIII - The Voyage Home Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 1 --------- [In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen... apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party] Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three ---------------------------------------------------------- The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole.. though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully into the spirit of the occasion.....He seemed to spend most of the time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a ship's science officer.....I wonder what he's up to... Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit for the ship's engines......] Jim: "...a pleasure Scotty...Thought I'd get you something practical for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives the captain more choice over what warp factor to use...but also would have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which ultimately destroyed it.] Scotty: "Hmmm" Sulu: "...oh yes...and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me...it looks fun to use..." [This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of reasons: 1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon? 2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful. Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu..." Spock: "Jim....I urge you to take some action over this tribble situation" Jim: "Look Spock....for the tenth time...There are NO tribbles on the ship...you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any" Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation system! There must be thousands of them in there now." Jim: "Spock...get back to your duties....I'll hear no more of this tribble nonsense." Spock: [looking exasperated] "...oh very well...." [He trudges over to his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work.....but every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation ducts and mutters to himself] Jim: "Right Sulu.....give us warp factor 6. Direction...Well sort of point us in the general direction of Earth....we're going home.." Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6...Huh!....we could be doing warp factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter...." Jim: "What was that Scotty?" Scotty: "Oh...emm...nothing..." Jim: "Uhura....open all hailing frequencies......and patch me through to Starfleet Command back on Earth....There's something I've been meaning to ask them for quite a while.." Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir..." Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise." Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk...we read you loud and clear" Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering me for some time....How is it that the ship can go much faster than light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?" Starfleet Command: [Silence] [Twelve days later] Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain" Jim: "At last..." Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!...you utter utter idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the series but you had to go and open your big mouth...." Uhura: "Message ends, Captain..." Jim: ".....ah....emmm.....right...I think we'll forget about our return to Earth at the moment...They sound a little upset....Sulu take us to the Sirius Alpha sector....we haven't been there for a while..." [At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average, knowing that it met a message travelling out from Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers on a postcard to me....cos I'd damn well like to know] Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.." Spock: "Captain...our two day distance from Earth has brought us within Federation parcel post range.....Ensign Johnson down in the transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you..." Jim: "Ah!...that'll be my new beer making kit....great!" [Sheeesh] [Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package] Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!....it's the damned Reader's Digest... 'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders or a super deluxe home beer making kit.....'" Spock: "Go on Jim....scratch off the panels....I can't stand the excitement" Jim: "Surprise surprise....I've won a major prize....AGAIN......." [He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will happen in next week's episode...." --------------------------------- Star Wars Sex Lines Top ten sexually explicit lines from Star Wars 10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!" 9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" 8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed." 7. "You've got something jammed in here real good." 6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" 5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." 4. "Sorry about the mess..." 3. "Look at the size of that thing!" 2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" 1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." --------------------------------- Strange Headaches Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,"I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." ---------------------------------


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