Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "S" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
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Sexism Exam
GCSE Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hrs.
Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular
question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro
onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.
You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you
wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to
frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written
loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably
sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly,
everybody cough to make the invigilator jump.
Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't
stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your
answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the
match, though.
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for
recreational purposes.
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful
for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why
all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have
watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the
weekend.
a) Sex Boat
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What
apparatus would you require?
What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?
Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes
place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their
pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making
reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor
granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he
retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lambourghinni
Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone
driven, either.
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Sniglets: Words for Things That Should Have Words But Don't
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its
perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck
the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones
and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not
connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of
lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more
chance.
DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking,
"Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no
matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button
the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides
to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly
that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose
to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before
you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Software Upgrade
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0
and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it,
Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall
girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to
uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is
that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with
gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.
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Some Important Theological Questions are
Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes
on in the overnite job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait
until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had
left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him.
God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up
the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then
the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick
the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help
it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned
out to be murder.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
Question. Abort, Retry, Fail?
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Star Trek VIII - The Voyage Home
Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"
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Episode 1
---------
[In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen...
apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party]
Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three
----------------------------------------------------------
The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole..
though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully
into the spirit of the occasion.....He seemed to spend most of the
time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation
ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a
ship's science officer.....I wonder what he's up to...
Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks
captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on
unit for the ship's engines......]
Jim: "...a pleasure Scotty...Thought I'd get you something practical
for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure
the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much
more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives
the captain more choice over what warp factor to use...but also would
have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which
ultimately destroyed it.]
Scotty: "Hmmm"
Sulu: "...oh yes...and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total
buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me...it
looks fun to use..."
[This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of
reasons:
1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in
the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was
the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be
trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon?
2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also
responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a
pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful.
Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu..."
Spock: "Jim....I urge you to take some action over this tribble
situation"
Jim: "Look Spock....for the tenth time...There are NO tribbles on the
ship...you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any"
Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation
system! There must be thousands of them in there now."
Jim: "Spock...get back to your duties....I'll hear no more of this
tribble nonsense."
Spock: [looking exasperated] "...oh very well...." [He trudges over to
his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work.....but
every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation
ducts and mutters to himself]
Jim: "Right Sulu.....give us warp factor 6. Direction...Well sort of
point us in the general direction of Earth....we're going home.."
Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6...Huh!....we could be doing warp
factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter...."
Jim: "What was that Scotty?"
Scotty: "Oh...emm...nothing..."
Jim: "Uhura....open all hailing frequencies......and patch me through
to Starfleet Command back on Earth....There's something I've been
meaning to ask them for quite a while.."
Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir..."
Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship
Enterprise."
Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk...we read you loud and clear"
Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering
me for some time....How is it that the ship can go much faster than
light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this
radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?"
Starfleet Command: [Silence]
[Twelve days later]
Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain"
Jim: "At last..."
Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!...you utter utter
idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the
series but you had to go and open your big mouth...."
Uhura: "Message ends, Captain..."
Jim: ".....ah....emmm.....right...I think we'll forget about our
return to Earth at the moment...They sound a little upset....Sulu take
us to the Sirius Alpha sector....we haven't been there for a while..."
[At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to
work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average,
knowing that it met a message travelling out from
Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers
on a postcard to me....cos I'd damn well like to know]
Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.."
Spock: "Captain...our two day distance from Earth has brought us
within Federation parcel post range.....Ensign Johnson down in the
transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you..."
Jim: "Ah!...that'll be my new beer making kit....great!"
[Sheeesh]
[Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package]
Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!....it's the damned Reader's Digest...
'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you
have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes
you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could
be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders
or a super deluxe home beer making kit.....'"
Spock: "Go on Jim....scratch off the panels....I can't stand the
excitement"
Jim: "Surprise surprise....I've won a major prize....AGAIN......."
[He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command
chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will
happen in next week's episode...."
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Star Wars Sex Lines
Top ten sexually explicit lines from Star Wars
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
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Strange Headaches
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his
personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,
he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good
news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked
and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his
mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman,"I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right,
how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. .
.34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was
on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the
shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's head and
said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right,
how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was
feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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