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--------------------------------- Tapeworm A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patients ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head. Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie. After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor. The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out the patient's ass and says "WHERE'S MY DAMN COOKIE!?!?" ::::: WHAM ::::: --------------------------------- Tarzan, Lord of the Apes Tarzan's swinging through the jungle, minding his own business, when he gets captured by a tribe of natives. They decide to perform a blood sacrifice to their god, Lorenadapeni, and chop his unit off. He, amazingly, survives through the ordeal. But now he no longer feels befitting of the title, the Lord of the Apes. So he swings through the jungle to see his old friend the witch doctor. "What can I do ?!?!?!?!?!" The witch doctor says, "don't worry Tarzan, I have this spare elephant trunk. We'll have you fixed up good as new." So the witch doctor attachs the trunk to Tarzan, and casts a spell. Tarzan wakes up with typical male morning dilemma, "ALRIGHT!!!! ," he says, "I like it!!" Off he swings through the jungle. Two weeks later he returns to the witch doctor, for his post surgical routine checkup. "How's it hanging? Does it work alright?" asks the witch doctor. Tarzan replies "It works great except for one thing." "What's that?" the doctor inquires. "If I swing to low to the ground, it keeps reaching down, grabbing grass, and shoving it up my ass." --------------------------------- The British Press The Financial Times is read by the people who own the country; The Times is read by the people who run the country; the Telegraph is read by the people who think they run the country; the Guardian is read by people who think they should run the country; the Independant is read by people who don't know who runs the country but think it should be someone else; the Morning Star is read by people who think the country should be run by another country; the Express is read by people who think the country should be run like it was run before; the Sun is read by people who don't care who runs the country so long as she has got big tits....... ---------------------------------- The Dishes Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!" ---------------------------------- The Drunk Guy On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinkin', then jumpin' off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides a buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk." --------------------------------- The Eel Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found our what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet" By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold --------------------------------- Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. --------------------------------- The Farmer's Three Daughters There was a farmer that had three daughters. They each had a date for Saturday night. As was his custom, the farmer would meet the suitor in the front room of the farm house, and if they were acceptible, he'd let them take his daughters out. That Saturday night, the first young man arrived. "My name is Freddie, I'm here for Betty, and we're going to get spaghetti." He seemed decent enough, so the farmer called Betty down and they left. The next young man arrived a few minutes later. "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, and we're off to the show." He, too, seemed okay, and the pair left for the evening. The last young man knocked on the door and entered the room to meet the farmer. "My name is Chuck--" "Hold on, buster," shouted the farmer. "You're not going ANYWHERE with my daughter!" --------------------------------- The Five Stages of Drinking LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool. LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" --------------------------------- The Gastronomical Bean Story Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction upon him. By and by he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans (they were married shortly thereafter). Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because of the misfortune, and that he would have to walk home. On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects of the beans before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before he had left he had eaten three large portions of the baked beans. All the way home he putt- putted, and after arriving, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated but excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself, and just as he was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold till she returned, and then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contentedly to himself, was the very picture of innocence, when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his big SURPRISE. Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY for him! ---------------------------------- The Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." --------------------------------- The Lady and the Law Late one evening two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they passed a very respectable-looking girl. As she passed one says to the other "I'd give fifty pounds to spend a night with her." The girl overheard, turned and said "It's a bargain!" The man immediately said goodnight to his friend and took the lady to her flat. The next morning the man got up, put 25 pounds on the dresser, and prepared to go. She asked for the rest of the money, adding "If you don't pay up I'll sue you for it." The man laughed and departed. A few days later he got a summons. He rushed off to his solicitor, who said "She can't possibly recover from you for that, but it will be interesting to see what her lawyer makes of it. After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Counsel rose and said "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a delightful piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a special length of time for fifty pounds. The defendant took possession, used it repeatedly for the purpose for which he had rented it, but upon leaving the premises he paid only half the agreed rent. The rent was not excessive since this was restricted property, and we asked for judgement for the balance." The defendant's lawyer was amused by this, but he thought it would save his client embarrassment if he replied in the same terms. "Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that this young lady has a very attractive piece of property, that he did rent it, and derived great pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, opened a shaft, and erected a pump, supplying all his own materials, and personally using his own labour. These improvements to the property were more than enough to offset the unpaid amount, and we submit that plaintiff was adequately compensated." The modest maiden's lawyer replied, "My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he did carry out the work and make the improvements described. However, had the defendant not known the well was there, he would not have rented the shrubbery in the first place. Also on giving up the lease, defendant removed his stones and pulled up the shaft, and took the pump away with him. Moreover, your Honour, in doing so he not only dragged his equiptment through the shrubbery, but he left the whole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small boys. I ask for judgement for the lady. The Judge said that in view of her actions, it was only right that the young lady should be covered, and he found accordingly. --------------------------------- The Lazy Husband This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?" ----------------------------------- The Nun At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came and sat near by her hoping to getsome companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. However as time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said: Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god? Man : Yes, I do. Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap.Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157. The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast. Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lay open on page 157. The line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher." --------------------------------- The Peep Show Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken". -------------------------------- The Perfect Day The Perfect Day According to..... SHE 8.45 Wake up to hugs & kisses 9.00 5 pounds lighter on the scales 9.30 Light breakfast 11.00 Sunbathe 12.00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1.30 Shopping 2.30 Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds 3.00 Facial, massage and nap 5.30 Talk with mom on the phone for an hour 7.30 Candlelit dinner for two and dancing 10.00 Make love 11.00 Pillow talk in his big strong arms HE 10.00 Wake up 10.02 Oral Sex 10.45 Big breakfast 11.30 Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde 2.15 Enormous lunch 3.00 Oral Sex 3.30 Play sport with the guys 4.00 Drink beer with the guys 6.00 Meet Claudia Schiffer 6.10 Oral Sex 8.00 Huge dinner, more beer 11.00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex 11.30 Watch late game from the West Coast --------------------------------- The Priest and The Nun A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket. --------------------------------- The Rules of Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment - normally, one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as is necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the whole course being played, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring along rain gear, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course. 11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all time. Some players may be embarrassed to find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered oust anding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player. --------------------------------- The Statue A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." --------------------------------- The Teacher One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guily face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." --------------------------------- Tho am I There was a spinster who was plain, skinny and with an impediment in her speech. She longed for a man, and used to comfort herself by reading 'respectable' erotic stories, namely the adventures of the great classical gods. This only made her worse, but one night a strange thing happened, she dreamed that a big blond naked man came to her bed, ripped off her long nightgown, and raped her again and again. In the morning as he was about to leave through the window, she begged him to stay. "I must return to Valhalla," he said, "I'm Thor." "Tho am I, but wathenth it marvellouth!!" --------------------------------- Trying To Lose Weight Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU." --------------------------------- Two Blokes There were 2 blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives. One bloke says to the other, "How's your sex life mate?" The other bloke says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating." The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the pub again. The first bloke says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other bloke says, "Fuck mate! Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first bloke says, "So what happened?" The other bloke says, "She bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!" --------------------------------- Two Mental Patients A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH..... "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife." ---------------------------------
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