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--------------------------------- What Ever Happened to... Disney We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon. Now, however, is has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favorite Disney characters, MICKEY MOUSE- died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years. MINNIE MOUSE- (see MICKEY) DONALD DUCK- served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavillion. GOOFY- assassinated during first term as President of the United States. PLUTO- caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed. SCROOGE MCDUCK- died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS. HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE- involved in an underground child pornography ring. CHIP & DALE- extracted from Richard Gere's colon. SNOW WHITE- fell for the old "apple trick" again. DOPEY- 'nuff said. SNEEZY- died of pneumonia with Jim Henson. GRUMPY- executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds. HAPPY- killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds. DOC- was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans. SLEEPY- never woke up. BASHFUL- now a stripper with the Chippendales. MARY POPPINS- shot down over Iraqui airspace. CHRISTOPHER ROBIN- male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose. WINNIE THE POOH- had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570. PIGLET- gunned down in a mafia hit. EEYORE- committed suicide. TIGGER- accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff. RABBIT- died of an anyurism while watching over his garden. ROO- smothered to death by Kanga. KANGA- put to death by the state. ALICE (OF WONDERLAND)- institutionalized for life. THE MAD HATTER- died of mercury poisoning. DORMOUSE- drowned in a teapot. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS- guillotined during the revolution. TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM- died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm. SLEEPING BEAUTY- slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming." CINDERELLA- killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage. PINNOCCIO- is now a very comfortable Ottoman. JIMINY CRICKET- died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds. FIGARO- strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar. DUMBO- sucked into the engine of a 747. PETER PAN- Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair. TINKERBELL- caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid. BAMBI- shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found. BALOO- is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace. MOWGLI- (see HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE) LADY & THE TRAMP- sold to a Cantonese resteraunt. 101 DALMATIONS- sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions. THE RESCUERS- involved in cancer research. TRON- someone pulled the plug out by accident. CAPTAIN EO- had a leak in his spacesuit. JESSICA RABBIT- backup singer for Guns 'N Roses. THE LITTLE MERMAID- caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc. ALADDIN- was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols. ABU- shot into space by NASA --------------------------------- What if Food was Dirty and Sex was Clean What If Food Was Dirty And Sex Was Clean? (you mean it's not??) When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time." What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word. When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating. --------------------------------- What's in a Name An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing. The director asked the young man his name. "Penis van Lesibian," the man replied proudly. "Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that." "Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage." "Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business." The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street. "Do you remember me," asked the young man? "Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to." "Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since." "I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?" "Dick van Dyke." --------------------------------- While You Were Sleeping Jim and his best friend Bob were talking late one night at one of the local bars. Jim turned to his friend, and asked "How do you manage to stay out late every night, and never have your wife get mad?" "Well Jim, there's a trick to it. When I get home, I slip quietly into the house, sneak quietly up the stairs and into the bedroom. Then I get quietly into bed, take my wife's panties off, and give her oral sex until she has an explosive orgasm and passes out." "Oh, wow Bob, that sounds easy enough. I'm going to try that tonight." That night Jim did just as Bob said. He crept quietly into the house, up the stairs, and quietly into bed. He carefully pulled his wife's panties off, and gave her the best oral sex she ever had! She had an explosive orgasm and fell into a deep sleep. "Wow, it really worked!" He thought to himself. He then decided he should go into the bathroom to clean his hands off. When he opened the door, there stood his wife. "What the heck are you doing in here? Why aren't you in bed sleeping?" He asked her. "Well honey, my mother came for a surprise visit, so I let her have our room. We have to sleep in the spare room........ --------------------------------- Why E-Mail is like a Penis Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. --------------------------------- Will Windows 95 Live Long and Phosphor "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel." "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL." "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?" "Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!" "Scotty, that's an order." "Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown." "That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?" "We're on disk 5, sir." "Good. Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt." "Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?" "Unknown, Captain." "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?" "Unknown, Captain." "How about a Sound Blaster?" "Unknown, Captain." "What good are you, anyway?" "Box-office attraction, Captain." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician." "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Chekov?" "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "Scotty, we haven't even started yet." "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..." "Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad. "Aye, Captain." "Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently." "Yes, Sir." "Spock?" "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI." "Disable the card, Spock." "I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first." "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." "[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems." "No, sir. The ship is already upon us." "Uhura?" "Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow." "Scotty, what's happening down there?" "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time." "See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?" "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive." [Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.] "Put it on visual, Chekov." "Aye, Captain." [Louder OOhs and Ahhs.] "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!" "I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!" "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file." "Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it." "Long-range scan, Chekov." "I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard." "Patrick Stewart?" "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?" "No." "Must be a generation gap." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert." "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!" "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!" "Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet." "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm." [BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.] "Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!" "Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever." "We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet." "Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again." "Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many." "Scotty, get us out of here!" "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover." "Bones?" --------------------------------- Wind This young freshman finally gets a date with a beautiful woman in one of his university classes. But she tells him that before they can go on a date he has to come over and have dinner with her family. Well the young man isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse. The rest of the day the young man worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up alot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was excellent and afterwards the young womans' father starts to read the paper. The young mans gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go... Phtt..... The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot...". The young man looks around confused by this comment and spies an old sheepdog behind his chair. Great, the young man thinks, the old man must think the dog is doing it!! So he decides to let a bigger fart go... PhhhTTTT.... The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper, "SPOT!...," he says in an annoyed tone. The young man feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas... PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!! The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor, "SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR...GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!" ------------------------------- Woman - A Chamical Analysis Element Name: Woman Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs. Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1.Surface usually covered with a painted film. 2.Boils with no provocation. 3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly. 4.Melts if given special treatment. 5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored. 6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol. 5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. 2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen. 3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques. HAZARDS 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other. --------------------------------- Women Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers. It's a giventhing in this culture. If we believe what women have been telling us, it seems that today's males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, confused, and uncaring. Men are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of timing or communication. But the truth of the matter is that women contribute as much to our culture's sexual malaise as men do. Let's consider the classes of lousy lovers among women: The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent flier plan, it would take her ten years to earn a trip from Heathrow to Aberdeen. To live with her is to not know her. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has become "Not this year,I have a career." In this relationship, the hand you hold will probably be your own, but don't be embarrassed by that. Rejection and lack of interest are general all over this workaholic culture. You think you're the Lone Ranger because you're living with an Infrequent Flier? Then who are all those other masked men out there? The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of everything, especially the extended orgasm. It is always just around the corner, but the corner is forever disappearing into the distance. Superman might be able to satisfy her, but it's 60/40 he'll finally give up and take a nap. Be assured that when he awakes,he'll hear about how inconsiderate he was. The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our precious bodily fluids.She treats the male orgasm as if it were an explosion at a nuclear powerstation. She scrambles away, a distasteful expression on her face, as you lie there like a beached whale. By her standards, sperm is radioactive poison and should never be deposited on skin, sheets, or clothing. She is also the Fastest Douche in the West. The Statistician: You can spot her by the tape measure she keeps under the pillow and the pencil marks on her wall. She's a combination C.P.A., historian,and Official Scorer. Her brain is one big computer printout, andif you ask her, she'll reel off numbers and measurements that boggle yourmind: how your rate compared with other lovers in terms of genital heft,number of orgasms(hers, then yours), errors committed, times you were too base and runs batted in. Her accounting will be accurate, impersonal, and cold. Only her eyes will glow as she quantifies love. The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician is sister to the Statistician. Indeed, they may be one and the same person. The Electrician punches data into here computer keyboard while your lovemaking progresses, but it will be difficult for you to see that as you struggle to keep your headphones from becoming entangled with hers and as you sort out the vibrators that she keeps in a batrack by her bed. On average, she will have two videotape machines running, one to record your activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie for the television monitor on her ceiling. Don't feel dehumanized by the stockmarket ticker she has on her wall. And, yes, it can be disconcerting when the Electrician carries on telephone conversations from one of six phones she has on her headboard while you are huffing and puffing away. The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something? Will her activity ever cease? Whydoes your back hurt? Why are you dehydrated? Why are you wondering if you'll have a coronary and she'll never even notice? Is it fair that she can go for four hours straight and never even stop for breath? Why does she wear her aerobic dance shoes to bed? Lucozade instead of champagne. Only one change of sweatbands allowed. Mirrors all over, even the floor. "Bolero" is too slow for her. What are those yelping sounds she makes at odd moments? Why does she confuse you with her aerobics instructor? Why does she have a hotline to her own team of paramedics? Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen? Why is she still bouncing on the bed? The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean. There is no known way to spot her beforehand, either. You just have to place you bets and then go for broke.It's a sweet moment. You're making love with a warm and wonderful woman, and if the truth were known, this is how you'd like to make your living. You wait for her; you hold yourself in; you administer and placateand excite. Then, as you feel her rhythms rise, your own pleasure approaches; and as she rides into her sunset, you take a deep breath and...your ears; what is happening to your ears?You have never heard a sound like that before. Is it nuclear war? Is there a jet engine in the room? There is this unearthly screeching going on, and there is no distancebetween you and the screeching. She has your head in a vise, and her mouth has just swallowed your eardrums. They are somewhere slightly above her voice box, and they are now hers forever, because you will never hear again,not a sound, not even the whimper of a child. The Screecher has claimed another victim....... --------------------------------- Women are Complex Creatures If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... ..WOMEN! --------------------------------- Word Exchange I was sitting through a back-to-school night presentation on "Some Tips For Reading Aloud With Your Child", and to keep my mind awake, I noticed that if you changed the words: reading aloud -> fucking child -> partner book -> position word -> body part it becomes a sex manual! I present for your edification... SOME TIPS FOR FUCKING WITH YOUR PARTNER 1. Try to set a regular time for fucking. This might be before school or before bedtime. 2. Select positions that are appropriate for the age and interest of your partner. Start with picture positions and build to story positions and novels. 3. Involve your partner in the fucking by asking him or her to predict what will happen next, chime in on repetitive phrases, say a body part he or she knows, or link the picture to the position. 4. Engage in discussions about the positions and talk about the meaning of some body parts your partner is interested in. 5. From time to time, choose positions to fuck with your partner that he or she cannot fuck. 6. Use lots of expression when you fuck. Be dramatic when you fuck and make the position come to life. 7. Change the pace of your fucking to match the position. If there is suspense in the position, slow down the fucking to build the suspense. If there is a lot of action in a part of the fucking, increase the pace for effect. 8. Don't fuck too fast. 9. Let your partner see you fucking for pleasure at times other than when fucking together. Share what you are fucking with your partner. ---------------------------------
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