Welcome To FunniGurl.com
These are some of the "W" jokes I have hanging around on my hard drive...
I hope you enjoy em as much as I do bringing them to you...
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What Ever Happened to... Disney
We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters
produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From
Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to
laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish
upon.
Now, however, is has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the
stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of
hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first
time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favorite Disney characters,
MICKEY MOUSE- died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.
MINNIE MOUSE- (see MICKEY)
DONALD DUCK- served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavillion.
GOOFY- assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
PLUTO- caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
SCROOGE MCDUCK- died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE- involved in an underground child pornography ring.
CHIP & DALE- extracted from Richard Gere's colon.
SNOW WHITE- fell for the old "apple trick" again.
DOPEY- 'nuff said.
SNEEZY- died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY- executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY- killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC- was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living
under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY- never woke up.
BASHFUL- now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS- shot down over Iraqui airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN- male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH- had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET- gunned down in a mafia hit.
EEYORE- committed suicide.
TIGGER- accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
RABBIT- died of an anyurism while watching over his garden.
ROO- smothered to death by Kanga.
KANGA- put to death by the state.
ALICE (OF WONDERLAND)- institutionalized for life.
THE MAD HATTER- died of mercury poisoning.
DORMOUSE- drowned in a teapot.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS- guillotined during the revolution.
TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM- died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.
SLEEPING BEAUTY- slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming."
CINDERELLA- killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.
PINNOCCIO- is now a very comfortable Ottoman.
JIMINY CRICKET- died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.
FIGARO- strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.
DUMBO- sucked into the engine of a 747.
PETER PAN- Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL- caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.
BAMBI- shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.
BALOO- is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.
MOWGLI- (see HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE)
LADY & THE TRAMP- sold to a Cantonese resteraunt.
101 DALMATIONS- sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.
THE RESCUERS- involved in cancer research.
TRON- someone pulled the plug out by accident.
CAPTAIN EO- had a leak in his spacesuit.
JESSICA RABBIT- backup singer for Guns 'N Roses.
THE LITTLE MERMAID- caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc.
ALADDIN- was caught stealing one too many times, is now being
traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.
ABU- shot into space by NASA
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What if Food was Dirty and Sex was Clean
What If Food Was Dirty And Sex Was Clean? (you mean it's not??)
When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got
to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need
clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex
and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe
God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to
propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors
closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat
the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in
broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why
don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up,
burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture
would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food
you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would
flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their
chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of
fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry
section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and
day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu
selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,
mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a
lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo
aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some
crab?" Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or
they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother
caught them marinating.
---------------------------------
What's in a Name
An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago.
The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could
dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.
The director asked the young man his name.
"Penis van Lesibian," the man replied proudly.
"Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that."
"Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my
heritage."
"Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your
name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."
The young man left the theater dejectedly.
A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to
meet on the street.
"Do you remember me," asked the young man?
"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical
comedy. What have you been up to."
"Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my
name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since."
"I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose,
Mr. van Lesbian?"
"Dick van Dyke."
---------------------------------
While You Were Sleeping
Jim and his best friend Bob were talking late one night at one of the local
bars. Jim turned to his friend, and asked "How do you manage to stay out
late every night, and never have your wife get mad?"
"Well Jim, there's a trick to it. When I get home, I slip quietly into the
house, sneak quietly up the stairs and into the bedroom. Then I get
quietly into bed, take my wife's panties off, and give her oral sex until
she has an explosive orgasm and passes out."
"Oh, wow Bob, that sounds easy enough. I'm going to try that tonight."
That night Jim did just as Bob said. He crept quietly into the house, up
the stairs, and quietly into bed. He carefully pulled his wife's panties
off, and gave her the best oral sex she ever had! She had an explosive
orgasm and fell into a deep sleep.
"Wow, it really worked!" He thought to himself. He then decided he should
go into the bathroom to clean his hands off. When he opened the door,
there stood his wife.
"What the heck are you doing in here? Why aren't you in bed sleeping?" He
asked her.
"Well honey, my mother came for a surprise visit, so I let her have our
room. We have to sleep in the spare room........
---------------------------------
Why E-Mail is like a Penis
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it
were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't
have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't
have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard
to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much,
you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and
influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will
warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just
do the same damn dumb things it did before.
---------------------------------
Will Windows 95 Live Long and Phosphor
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the
hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov,
prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task
speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace
the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit
multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter
explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a
proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are
those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning
our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use
the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under
Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the
ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation.
Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go
to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors
and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the
README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back
there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The
ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound
or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping
sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without
disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to
debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image,
sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI
can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp
drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs
and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must
have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file
is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing
the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors
and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on
red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the
desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire
HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is
COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth,
or people sway left and right, depending on perspective.
Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would
normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just
minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind
saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one
of the most stable games on the market and it runs under
OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify...
the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or
you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode
again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the
few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll
have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"
---------------------------------
Wind
This young freshman finally gets a date with a beautiful woman in
one of his university classes. But she tells him that before they can
go on a date he has to come over and have dinner with her family.
Well the young man isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too
gorgeous to refuse.
The rest of the day the young man worries and frets. He gets so
worried that he starts to build up alot of gas. But he makes it to
her house and is invited inside.
The dinner was excellent and afterwards the young womans' father
starts to read the paper. The young mans gas has built to a level
that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little
fart go...
Phtt..... The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says,
"Spot...". The young man looks around confused by this comment and
spies an old sheepdog behind his chair. Great, the young man thinks,
the old man must think the dog is doing it!! So he decides to let a
bigger fart go...
PhhhTTTT.... The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his
paper, "SPOT!...," he says in an annoyed tone. The young man feels
much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the
gas...
PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!! The father rips his glasses off and throws the
paper to the floor,
"SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR...GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE SHITS
ON YOU!"
-------------------------------
Woman - A Chamical Analysis
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other.
---------------------------------
Women
Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers. It's a
giventhing in this culture. If we believe what women have been telling us, it
seems that today's males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, confused, and uncaring.
Men are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of
timing or communication. But the truth of the matter is that women
contribute as much to our culture's sexual malaise as men do. Let's
consider the classes of lousy lovers among women:
The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent flier plan, it would take
her ten years to earn a trip from Heathrow to Aberdeen. To live with
her is to not know her. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has become
"Not this year,I have a career." In this relationship, the hand you hold
will probably be your own, but don't be embarrassed by that. Rejection
and lack of interest are general all over this workaholic culture. You
think you're the Lone Ranger because you're living with an Infrequent
Flier? Then who are all those other masked men out there?
The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of everything, especially the
extended orgasm. It is always just around the corner, but the corner is
forever disappearing into the distance. Superman might be able to
satisfy her, but it's 60/40 he'll finally give up and take a nap. Be
assured that when he awakes,he'll hear about how inconsiderate he was.
The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our precious bodily
fluids.She treats the male orgasm as if it were an explosion at a nuclear
powerstation. She scrambles away, a distasteful expression on her face,
as you lie there like a beached whale. By her standards, sperm is
radioactive poison and should never be deposited on skin, sheets, or
clothing. She is also the Fastest Douche in the West.
The Statistician: You can spot her by the tape measure she keeps under
the pillow and the pencil marks on her wall. She's a combination C.P.A.,
historian,and Official Scorer. Her brain is one big computer printout,
andif you ask her, she'll reel off numbers and measurements that boggle
yourmind: how your rate compared with other lovers in terms of genital
heft,number of orgasms(hers, then yours), errors committed, times you
were too base and runs batted in. Her accounting will be accurate, impersonal,
and cold. Only her eyes will glow as she quantifies love.
The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician is sister to
the Statistician. Indeed, they may be one and the same person. The
Electrician punches data into here computer keyboard while your lovemaking
progresses, but it will be difficult for you to see that as you struggle
to keep your headphones from becoming entangled with hers and as you
sort out the vibrators that she keeps in a batrack by her bed. On
average, she will have two videotape machines running, one to record your
activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie for the television
monitor on her ceiling. Don't feel dehumanized by the stockmarket ticker she
has on her wall. And, yes, it can be disconcerting when the Electrician carries on
telephone conversations from one of six phones she has on her headboard
while you are huffing and puffing away.
The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something? Will her activity ever cease?
Whydoes your back hurt? Why are you dehydrated? Why are you wondering if
you'll have a coronary and she'll never even notice? Is it fair that she
can go for four hours straight and never even stop for breath? Why does
she wear her aerobic dance shoes to bed? Lucozade instead of champagne.
Only one change of sweatbands allowed. Mirrors all over, even the
floor. "Bolero" is too slow for her. What are those yelping sounds she
makes at odd moments? Why does she confuse you with her aerobics
instructor? Why does she have a hotline to her own team of paramedics?
Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen? Why is she still
bouncing on the bed?
The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean. There is no known way to spot
her beforehand, either. You just have to place you bets and then go for
broke.It's a sweet moment. You're making love with a warm and wonderful
woman, and if the truth were known, this is how you'd like to make your
living. You wait for her; you hold yourself in; you administer and
placateand excite. Then, as you feel her rhythms rise, your own pleasure
approaches; and as she rides into her sunset, you take a deep breath
and...your ears; what is happening to your ears?You have never heard a
sound like that before. Is it nuclear war? Is there a jet engine in the
room? There is this unearthly screeching going on, and there is no
distancebetween you and the screeching. She has your head in a vise, and
her mouth has just swallowed your eardrums. They are somewhere slightly
above her voice box, and they are now hers forever, because you will never hear
again,not a sound, not even the whimper of a child. The Screecher has
claimed another victim.......
---------------------------------
Women are Complex Creatures
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
..WOMEN!
---------------------------------
Word Exchange
I was sitting through a back-to-school night presentation on
"Some Tips For Reading Aloud With Your Child", and to keep my
mind awake, I noticed that if you changed the words:
reading aloud -> fucking
child -> partner
book -> position
word -> body part
it becomes a sex manual! I present for your edification...
SOME TIPS FOR FUCKING WITH YOUR PARTNER
1. Try to set a regular time for fucking. This might be before school
or before bedtime.
2. Select positions that are appropriate for the age and interest of
your partner. Start with picture positions and build to story
positions and novels.
3. Involve your partner in the fucking by asking him or her to predict what
will happen next, chime in on repetitive phrases, say a body part he
or she knows, or link the picture to the position.
4. Engage in discussions about the positions and talk about the meaning
of some body parts your partner is interested in.
5. From time to time, choose positions to fuck with your partner that he
or she cannot fuck.
6. Use lots of expression when you fuck. Be dramatic when you fuck and make
the position come to life.
7. Change the pace of your fucking to match the position. If there is
suspense in the position, slow down the fucking to build the suspense.
If there is a lot of action in a part of the fucking, increase the pace
for effect.
8. Don't fuck too fast.
9. Let your partner see you fucking for pleasure at times other than when
fucking together. Share what you are fucking with your partner.
---------------------------------
