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The comedy world is having a good time
with our elections so I thought I'd bring
together the jokes and pictures that I've
received so far! I hope you enjoy em!

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And now LET THE FUN BEGIN!

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As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they
are now, George W. Bush will be our next President. This will have
catastrophic results in our vital -- no, indispensable -- entertainment
industry. Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie
Goldberg, Alec Baldwin -- among many others -- have sworn to leave
the country if George W. Bush is elected President.

And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack
and to load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable
national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities
and their unfortunate relocation.

You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive
postcards, letters and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they
learn to become a useful citizen in the Third World country of their
choosing.

You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport-a-lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards
are accepted.

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Q. How many Palm Beach Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. None. They cant find the hole!
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It just keeps getting better...and better

Florida Democrat Rules of Golf

1. Democrats get to keep shooting until one gets par or an
acceptable score.

2. Democrats are allowed to keep score by hand, Republicans
are not allowed to keep score at all, the Democrats will appoint
someone to keep score for them.

3. If a Republican shoots par or under par on a hole, a
Democratic appointee will sue in Court to a Democratic appointed
Judge that the score is invalid.

4. Holes for Democrats will be 3ft in diameter (to allow less
confusion); Republicans will use the regulation size holes.
5. If a shot is missed by a Democrat it will be counted if the
Democrat intended it to go in, and can certify this by written
statement to Rev. Jessie Jackson.

6. Scores by Democrats can be changed after the round, if
they can prove one of the following:
a) Trees were improperly placed on the course
b) Wind speed was too strong
c) Water was placed on the course in a way that confused
the Democrat on club selection

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Japan sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.

They heard that our entire country can't get an election!

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A lawyer in Washington received the following inquiry
from a prospective client Friday:

"I was wondering if you could represent me. I played the Powerball Lottery
yesterday ($61 Million Jackpot). I didn't win. I think I entered the wrong
numbers because the form was so confusing; too many numbers to pick and
all. The numbers I meant to enter were the winning ones. I want to sue someone."

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My Fellow Americans,

You suck. How could you elect some sauced-up Texas cow-puncher
to the highest office in the land over me? I'm more experienced
than Bush, I'm a better statesman, I've done more for this
country, hell, I'm even better looking than that pasty-faced
mamma's boy. Not to mention the most important advantage, I'm
not from Texas. They say only queers and steers come from
Texas. How is it going to look to visiting dignitaries when
they see a pair of longhorns on the hood of the presidential
limousine?

The man is a lush, folks. Do you really want some boozer
throwing keggers at the White House and cruising around D.C.
half in the bag and running into lightpoles? Well, that's what
you're going to get. And I'll tell you something else. Bush
has got a small dick. It's true. Laura told me. That's right,
Dubya, I banged her. I banged her like a screen door. What do
you think about that?

I deserve this presidency, damnit. I earned it. I didn't spend
eight years kissing Bill Clinton's doughy, white ass and tucking
chinamen into the Lincoln bedroom just so I could go back to
divinity school. Where's my reward? Where are my blowjobs? Do
you know I haven't had oral sex since 1993? It's no Mardi Gras
curling up next to the Prozac princess every night and interns
don't do favors for the V.P. Those are the kind of sacrifices
I've made for this country. And what do I get in return?
"Thanks a lot Al. You can go back to Tennessee now." Well, no
thank you M'am.

A Democratic administration wasn't so bad. Look at everything
we've accomplished: we had a few laughs, we had a war, we
balanced the budget, we had an impeachment, in my book that's
good politics. Do you really want to go back to a Republican
White House? Well, you can read my lips, you morons are all
fucking insane. Nobody in their right mind would elect Bush.
So I want a re-vote, God-damnit. I want those booths set up
again, and I want a new ballot designed. One with a hole right
next to my God-damned name. And this time everybody can get it
right.

Thank you.
Al Gore

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Sung to "The ballad of Jed Clampett"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Gore
A snippy Democrat, who was really quite a bore
On election day of his Presidential bout
He thought he lost the fight but he got to recount
ballots that is... punch cards... butterflies

Well the next thing you know they're countin' 'em again
He lost a second time so he gave it all some spin
They said Palm Beach is the place you oughta be
So he hired legal experts from Tallahassee
Florida that is... sunshine state... deadlocked

Well the next thing you know they wanna change the rules
And play around with votes cause they think we're friggin fools
They riled lotsa folks and they made a lotta fuss
Till Cheney came along and started kickin' butts
Buttocks that is... liberal hineys... left-wing tuchas

Al Gore whined that the system wasn't fair
After countin' ballot holes that weren't even there
Kate Harris said that the recount was a joke
But that didn't stop the liberals from tallyin' votes
Democrat votes that is... hangin' chad... dimpled ballots

Well the State Supreme Court gave Gore another break
They let him count again cause the party was at stake
But just when he thought that his dream was born anew
The overseas votes gave it all to W
George W that is... Texas Governor... President-elect

Now it's time to say good-bye to Al and all his kin
He tried to steal some votes but it didn't help him win
You're all invited over to his house in Tennessee
To sit around and blubber at his pity-parteeee
Nashville that is... pout a while... have some sour grapes
Ya'll have fun now... Ya Hear?

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Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy?

A: After five weeks, the puppy will open its eyes and stop whining.

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The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular
entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican
candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence
in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic
opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much
sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is
too much bush.

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Memo to: Al Gore From: Mark Alexander, Editor, The Federalist
Date: 09 November 2000

In the first presidential debate, you were asked the following question by
Jim Lehrer:

"Vice President Gore, if President Milosevic of Yugoslavia refuses to accept
the election results and leave office, what action, if any, should the
United States take to get him out of there?"

You responded:

"Well, Milosevic has lost the election. His opponent, Kostunica, has won
the election. I think we should support the people of Yugoslavia and put
pressure in every way possible to recognize the lawful outcome of the
election. The people of Serbia have acted very bravely in kicking this guy
out of office. Make no mistake about it: We should do everything we can to
see that the will of the Serbian people, expressed in this extraordinary
election, is done. And I hope that he'll be out of office very shortly."

Our question to you, Mr. Gore:

If you refuse to accept the election results and leave office, what action
should we, the citizens of the United States, take to get you "out of office
very shortly"?


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In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast
in verse. But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of
all-star poets have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.


For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?


Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
'Tis a mess here,' we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."


Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.


Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?


Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.


Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O' Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won.


Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry, "'Tis
mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.


Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card

I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.


Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Which leaves the problem:
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.

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How the Grinch Stole the Election!

Every Chad
Down in Chad-ville
Liked voting a lot...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Chad-ville
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated voting!
He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why.
Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.

BUT
Whatever the reason,
Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.

"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here!
"They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum,
" 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."
Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!"

For tomorrow, he knew ...
All the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their
efforts on Clintons or Doles.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls!
Polls! Polls! Polls!
That's the one thing he hated!
The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS!
So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat,
They would vote! And they'd vote!
And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat.

And THEN ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
Be they Bush-ites
or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader.
They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight,
They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light.

And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
"... But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"

"All I need are some ballots ..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"

THEN
He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."
THEN
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."

When he came to the first polling place in the square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air,
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.

There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elián riot.
The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!

At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's? "Face card?
Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox!

Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV.
He had waited quite late:
(It was now eight oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!"

So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL."

"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled!

Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad.
But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad
Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad).
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' "
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes,
But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise.
All the Chads down in Chad-ville,
Chad lads and Chad dads,
They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads!
He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
IT CAME! SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!

As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand
Sat puzzling and puzzling,
"They will count them by hand?"
Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers,
It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done
The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE!
And if the Grinch had just voted,... HIS GUY WOULD
HAVE WON!
And what happened then ...Well ...
In Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district
Grew three sizes that day.

'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump,
The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this dump!"
So he formed a committee to do all the work And he ...
HE HIMSELF!
The Grinch ran for town clerk!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Seuss goes to Flori-Duh.

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Lets count them upside down this time
Lets count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!

Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE I am!

I've counted till my fingers bleed!
And still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
I'll count, and count, and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
Until the counting says I've won!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!

I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!
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HOT new election day cartoons!...
More cartoons can be found on Pictures Page

 Al Gore on a MasterCard!

 The Florida Ballot

 Voting for dummies!!

 Another Florida Ballot

 and yet Another Florida Ballot!

 Electile Dysfunction

 One person one vote?

 A hard time voting!

 To baked to vote!

 Hanging chad!

 Who's doing the recounting anyway?

 This is an Uncle Al Gore Flash...you need a flash 4 player to see it

 Good ole boy network

 A new cerial from the Election!

 Democratic Seal

 Mayberry?

 Meet the Palm Beach Voter!

 Back to More funny cartoons!!

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